The weather was so beautiful the day Matt died and it just doesn't seem right. It should have been dark and cloudy, thunder-storming and tornado watches overhead. Instead, it was beautiful. Corn fields were ripe and the birds were singing. I will never look at corn fields again without thinking of Matt. As mothers who have lost infants and long for their baby's smell and to feel their soft little body, I long to see Matt's big strapping teenage body, to hear his deep, quiet voice and see his hands that were bigger than mine reach for a glass in the cupboard.
The weather the past couple weeks has been beautiful, too, and I think I finally realized why it's been hard. Seeing the blue skies and hearing the echoes of the song birds are like re-living the day Matt died, over and over. How can I not tie those two together? The details of that day are forever etched in my minds eye. The scents, the smells, the sounds. I didn't realize it would be like this. I didn't realize beautiful days would now be associated with my son's last day on earth.
My heart is sick with longing.
When you share these things honestly from your heart....I know that your pain is much deeper than your words have expressed. So I hope you know what I mean when I say, my heart aches with you. Clear blue summer sunny day = prayer coming your way. I love you! See you in two days!
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