I started wearing make-up again. After Matt died, not wearing any was my own personal way of displaying my grief. I recall reading in MaryBeth Chapman's book that her husband, well-known Christian music artist, Steven shaved his head after the loss of their daughter Maria. Our country just doesn't acknowledge grief. It doesn't want to admit that grief lasts longer than three days. It just wants you back to "normal" as soon as possible. It doesn't want to see your horribly ugly wound or pain-filled countenance. Yet the Bible speaks of many displays of grief. Other countries allow for the expression of one's sorrow. So, in my own little way, not caring what others thought, I showed my grief. I knew it. It didn't matter if others did. I also know that wearing make-up again doesn't mean I am no longer grieving. It just means I've healed enough to allow the dressing to be taken off the wound. The scar will forever remain...and I have no intention of covering it up.
Wearing make-up is just one of the small changes that's happened this past week. I also changed my blog header. I love it because it has my favorite flowers and because the background is Matt's favorite color. I also ordered some new dishes after 19 years! I found a pattern, again, trying to find Matt's shade of blue. THESE are what I ended up with. It doesn't match his blue exactly, but it's all I could find. It took me quite a while to figure out that his shade of blue is called "cerulean" blue!!
Mr. Monkey was also thinking of Matt last week. While we were at the farm, Mr. Monkey and I took a walk down the gravel road. We were a ways down the road when I saw him "poking" himself in the sides and then heard him say, "Matt poke me. Matt give me kiss." It was the first time HE initiated a conversation about his brother. Every single day when Matt would get home from school, the first thing he would do is scoop up his little brother, give him a kiss (if he knew I wasn't looking!), and later poke him in the ribs from behind. It made me cry with gratitude because I'd like to believe God answered our prayer of giving him a memory of his brother.