Job 3:20-26 "Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure, who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in? For sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil."
I am struggling. I don't want to go on. I just want this pain to end. I want my life to end. I am so weak. I cry, but there is not even strength to make a sound. I can only cry from the depths of my soul, "Why has God done this to me?" I don't care anymore. I don't want my faith strengthened. I don't want to be a testimony to anyone else. I am doubting that there even is a God. I am doubting that heaven or eternity exists. What's the point? What was Matt's purpose? I don't understand. If there is a life of eternity, then I just want to enter into it now.
These are dark moments, moments I wonder if I will survive. I cannot help but question if this grief is a mortal wound because that is what it feels like. Yet my heart continues to beat and the daily demands of life continue to pull at me. I thought of the apostle Paul in Philippians 1:19-26 when he says, "for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me."
I need sufficient courage as Paul says. Dh and I need your continued prayers and the help of the Holy Spirit. I need to do as Proverbs 3:5 says and trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. So much easier said than done.