The book of Jude urges us to contend for the faith. The apostle Paul reminds us that it is a "good fight." Faith is not easy, but as 2 Tim. 1:12 says, "...for I know whom I have believed..." I just never imagined the death of my child would be the means to trying my faith. I also didn't expect the temptations that trials like this bring. Tonight, for a brief moment, I had the thought, "I just want to get rip-roaring drunk and fall into bed and never get up or wake up again." Yeah. Really. Honestly.
I realized tonight, too, though, that it's not just Matt's birthday that I am grieving. It's also our wedding anniversary coming up (on the 8th) and Mother's day. Now, for those who aren't grieving, all of these things are joyful celebrations. But for the bereaved, it is no longer. We don't "celebrate" in the sense that the word implies. Instead, we now remember and honor those special days.
I am incredibly thankful that I have Tim (and GriefShare). As we stood weeping in the kitchen tonight, clinging to one another, I couldn't help but think of the widows in our group. They don't have their spouse to cling to or to cry on, to weep together. Tim is truly the only other person, besides Christ, who absolutely understands what I'm going through. We have learned much about grief these past several months. I wanted to write more, but am exhausted. Will have to wait for another day. Swimming back to shore with God's help.