Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Ten Months

Ten Months, Matt. Really? I can't help but wonder if this is the way it will always be, me counting months. And then months turning into years. I just want to pretend it never happened, that there was never an accident, and that you never died. But if I pretend that, then I'd have to deny you ever existed. And that simply isn't true. You did.

I just wish death didn't hurt so bad. The pain reverberates to my very marrow. I'm not saying that my child is the be all, end all of my existence, but the pain of losing him permeates to the very core of my being. As a Christian, I know that God is my all in all. There is no way I would get through this without my Father in Heaven, “the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121)

But this, again, is where I don't understand certain verses. Verses like 1Cor. 15:55 "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" Of course, I know that, ultimately, this verse is referring to the eternal victory Jesus Christ accomplished over death, but I'm thinking, “It stings all right.” If the victory has been won, then why do we still have to suffer the effects of death, the pain and hurt that separation from our loved one brings? (Don't answer that. I know the answer. Yet it doesn't change the fact that grieving and sorrow remain.)

Grieving is hard work. I never would have guessed that. Honestly. I had no clue what the grief-stricken went through. It is a struggle. It affects you, not only emotionally, but physically. It is a struggle to find the energy to do the most simple of tasks. It is a struggle to find the motivation to do anything. It is a constant battle with the mind and spirit, to stay focused on the eternal, rather than the temporal. It is a struggle to balance living in the “here and now” with the longing to be with Christ. (Phil. 1:23)

I've struggled this week with how to deal with my grief. I honestly wanted to run away. Which is, in a sense, what I did. :) We went to the farm. And instead of leaving today like planned, we are staying another couple of days. Unfortunately, Dh couldn't do that, as he has a paying job. (Thank God!) But you know what? Sometimes I think it's o.k. to run away. Just so long as you return.


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