Got sucked out to sea big time today. The waves of grief came crashing in like a tsunami and had me a whirlpool before I knew what hit me. I hate this. I think the fact that next Tuesday is the 29th and ten months since Matt died is hitting me hard. I thought to myself, "It's actually harder
now than when he died because I still have to live. I could possibly have another 40 or so more years before dying myself." I was just so utterly discouraged. I found myself wondering, "Why, God? Why do we have to live on this earth like this?" Crying on a dear friend's "cyber" shoulders, I sent her an instant message saying, "Why, oh, why, couldn't we have all died suddenly with Matt???" I just want to leave. Why are days like this so difficult? Why does God seem so far away? Why is He silent? Why is everything so hard? Why are even the simple, mundane tasks of daily life, things like menu planning, grocery shopping, and laundry just too much, too exhausting, and too overwhelming? Why does everything take SO much energy?
I laid on my bed and, though crying, couldn't make a sound. Silent tears falling, throat aching, eyes puffy, swelling shut, and my body jerking from sobs, I gave up. I gave up trying to understand and I gave up trying to fight the stupid wave. I thought back to July 29th, to standing in the hallway at St. Mary's and reminded myself of the words that came unbidden out of my mouth as I sank to the floor, my peripheral vision growing dark as the blackness rushed in before I fainted. "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him." "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him."
God, help me to
continue to trust You in the days ahead. Give me Your
strength. Help me to rely on You and
not on my own understanding. May I keep eternity in sight. May I stay my eyes on
You, Lord. (Is. 26:3 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.")
Its never easy. i dont think itever will be. for me its coming up on the 13th year. my girlfriend and i were together in the water when it happened. i finally came to the point where i know i need help. sharing tidbits with ppl helped me initially but ultimately i would always feel like its too much of as burden to put on someone else who not only knew her but ppl that only knew me. its like a solitary cell. over the years me and her father have bonded but our pain differs. he lost a child, i lost a woman that imbued my future with plenty of dreams. i thank you for sharing as it is helping me as this wave rolls back over me. may peace engulf you and remind you he is never too far if held in your heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting. I am so sorry for your loss. Though the journey of grief is lonely, it is a shared sorrow.
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