Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Learning to live again, Matt

Today marks four months since you entered eternity, Matt. I can't imagine you worshiping before God, though, no matter how hard I try. You were just not the outgoing, vocal type. That's why your nickname was Mr. Stoic. But that's o.k. I also know that while you may have been reserved and stoic here on earth, I'm guessing that, in heaven, any inhibitions we have are no longer. It is a comforting thought.

My heart wound is just as deep as the day you went to be with God, but the Great Physician has been tending to it since the very second it was wounded. There have been days where I have wanted so much to die. Days where the pain has just been too overwhelming. Yet I also have to reluctantly admit that it is not my time, which is why my heart continues to beat, though I haven't always wanted it to. Life has gone on, regardless of whether I wanted to be a willing participant or not. And that is where I must submit to God's sovereignty and authority.

As time goes on, and months turn into years, I find myself wondering if I will be the only one to remember each of these "29th's." I imagine every single mother who has lost a child does the same. I find it curiously interesting that the observance of these dates now is so similar to what I did, as a mother, when you were in my womb. I don't know of any pregnant woman who doesn't count down the weeks until the pending birth of her child. Each week is carefully and lovingly measured by her watchful eye and the calendar on the wall. And now I find myself doing the same, only it's no longer a joyful anticipation of birth, but an observance of the day you died.

As the calendar pages turn, and the time goes on, I cannot deny that life here has continued. Some days I honestly can't believe I am alive. Yet I know it is because of His great care. God has never taken His eye off of me, or our family. He has, and continues, to change the dressings of my wound, to comfort me, and to care for me as I recover from this near fatal wound.

Recovery is not easy. This is an ugly, ugly wound. There are absolutely no words to describe how deep it goes. It is so very difficult to continually keep an eternal perspective. It is with great comfort, however, when I, as I lie hurting, see the Great Physician come into my room. This wound requires constant supervision, and He has often had to dig out angry looking infection, scrape away dead skin, and treat impending infection. I have found His remedies, though sometimes slow, in my opinion, to work, to be quite a balm. His Word, and the truths found in His Word, must be applied daily. The days in which I have neglected to apply the salve of His Word are not good ones.

Healing is very slow. So slow, in fact, that I'm not even aware of it at times. However, today I noticed it. I could find joy in the sun shining today. I found myself being able to give thanks for friends and six other precious blessings. Your brothers and sisters are helping me to live again, Matt. They give me the courage to go on, to not let grief be my identity. I have a longing now for heaven that I honestly did not have before. And I want ALL of us there, together again. But that's only possible if I teach them about our true home and how to find it.

Your dad's owner of FPX said it best with this quote in her condolence card, Matt. "Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal." ~Author Unknown I refuse to believe that God cannot heal even this. For sure, there will be scars, and there are. But Christ himself bore scars on His body. We do not have a Savior that cannot sympathize with us. He knows, and He cares. He gave His life for us, so that we could have LIFE with Him, forever. I will try to remember that, as I mark each passing week, month, and year, that you are alive, my son. You are alive and I will see you again. Thanks be to God because of His indescribable gift, your dad and I, and your brothers and sisters, do not grieve as those who have no hope. (2 Corinthians 9:1, 1 Thessalonians 4:13)

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.  ~Kahlil Gibran 

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