Monday, November 14, 2011

Grief and guilt

Tonight's GriefShare was hard. It was said that the bereaved need to grieve honestly. I think I've done a fairly good job of that. So to continue in that thread, I have to say how very difficult it has been dealing with guilt. Guilt, for me, has a lot to do with the "if only's." I can't help but think that if only I had not moved Matt's cooler off of the ledge the night before. Then his lunch would have been IN the cooler...and then his Gator-aid bottle would have never rolled under his feet...and then he wouldn't have been reaching for it...and then he wouldn't have ended up in the oncoming lane colliding head-on with a semi. And he'd still be here.

I try to hang onto God's word, to the truth. But this week has been hard. I have found myself wondering if this pain will EVER let up, if it will EVER get any easier. I find myself wondering if my faith was really all that real to begin with. I thought it was, but am wondering if, all along, it was only a passive faith. And then I wonder if it will ever be active.

I find myself listening to the words of certain songs and my fleshly instinct is to respond with "no." NO, I don't want the "blessings of this life" to be accomplished through raindrops or tears. I don't understand it and the flesh in me doesn't agree. I find myself responding sarcastically to certain verses, especially Romans 8:28 and Matthew 11:28 saying, "Well, I'm not seeing it and, trust me, I'm not getting rest."

Laura Story - Blessings
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

I have guilt, too, that my son, who was such a cautious driver, inadvertently caused injury to another driver. The truck driver's life has forever been changed. He has suffered greatly and is still recovering and not out of assisted care. It grieves me. If only. If only.

The GriefShare video for tonight addressed the issue of guilt and how to deal with it. It was said that those grieving need to decide if guilt is true or false. If it's true, then seek forgiveness from the only One who can give it. I pondered that and then jotted down the question, "Was it my intention to cause harm by taking his cooler off the ledge the night before? Was it a sin?" I know the answer is no, but I'm not so sure my heart does. 

A few other points mentioned were that we confuse responsibility with accidents. We also need to stop blaming ourselves. We need to remember that God determines how long we live. We also need to accept that we can't go back and change it. That is what hurts the most for me. That I can't go back and change it. Because everything in my being wishes I could.

I hate being buffeted by waves in this sea of grief. And hate is an understatement. Choosing to focus on the truth is crucial. Honestly, however, it is a constant battle with the flesh and I am so tempted to give in at times. I am tired of fighting. I am weak. I am exhausted. I am hurting. God is going to have to lift me up. It's a good thing He is a covenant keeping God. It is a good thing He gives us His strength and His forgiveness. It is a good thing He is truth and can not lie. I need to know these things. I need to remember them.

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