Recovery is slow, but there are small improvements. Though tiny, they speak of big progress. Those who have walked this road know how significant these little things are. Things like finally dreaming again during sleep. I hadn't realized that the past four months, I hadn't been dreaming. My sleep was so poor, I never slept deeply enough to have R.E.M. sleep. Last Friday morning when I woke, I realized I had had a dream! Unfortunately, it was about Matt and I arguing, but still...it was a dream. Having dreams again is a huge improvement. Drama boy is pretty much sleeping through the night again, too. Mr. Monkey has improved as well, though he still wakes once a night. Little things, but in the right direction at least.
The waves of grief aren't quite as unrelenting, though they still catch me off guard in the strangest places. I don't like being caught off guard. For instance, I wish I would have been warned about the Christmas cards. We received our first one last week, and several others have followed. If it was just the cards, it would be o.k. But it's the letters that accompany them. After reading the second one, I realized very, very quickly that I cannot read them. It's just too painful, like having the bandages ripped off a wound that had just been bound.
This week has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. Monday, again, was a good, yet convicting GriefShare meeting. Tuesday, we said goodbye to Jessie, our 16 yr. old "inherited" Dachshund of nine years. We took Jessie in when my beloved friend Jean passed away nine years ago. It was a difficult good-bye because Jessie was my last "link" to Jean. Jessie was a good dog. She adjusted so well in coming into a house full of little children, a fat cat, and a Pekingese. She was very sweet, but had that stubborn Dachshund personality, without a doubt! Wednesday night was spent with Sweet Stuff at Urgent Care. She again has strep throat! Once more, we are in the love/hate relationship with antibiotics.
In addition to the emotional see-saw of the week, my back has been the worst I've ever experienced. I've had a few chiropractic appointments, taken some Ibuprofin, and gotten several massages. Thankfully, the combination of all three have helped. AND, Dh and I also ordered yet ANOTHER bed! I swore I would never order one, but we ordered a Sleep Number bed. It is due to arrive by Monday. I'm praying it'll arrive tomorrow and Dh can put it together on Saturday.
The joys of the week, and there were some, were having Artsy girl make and decorate gingerbread cookies, seeing the children play in the 5" of snow we got, watching them eating icicles, hearing their squeals of excitement as they decorated the pathetically small, fake Christmas tree in the living room, and listening to them plead for me to read them the advent story each night. I am learning to appreciate the little things, no matter how small.
And now it's Thursday evening. Another Friday tomorrow. Praying the waves of grief stay out to sea.