"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" (Psalm 13:2)
We went to the visitation today for 16yo. Abby W. She was Army boy's FCA camp huddle leader this year. I am left once again wondering, "Why?" and "What's the purpose?" All this promise and then a life cut short. How interesting that my daily Griefshare homework addresses the issue of overwhelming, unpredictable emotions. The effects of grief are far more than I ever imagined. I never expected grief to carry with it temptation. Many temptations. The temptation to give up, to scream at ignorant people who don't understand what I'm going through, to blame or doubt God, to envy others, to not care about anything again, to take drugs or alcohol.
I honestly can't believe I am alive right now. I am, as Isabel Fleece says in her book Not By Accident, "amazed that the human frame, frail as it is, can survive such a blast." Psalm 42:7 "All thy waves and thy billows are gone over me" Mrs. Fleece also writes that while God's grace is sufficient, it is "not an anesthetic." The pain of Matt's loss remains and continues to be indescribably difficult.
God's word, however, promises us that he "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3) GOD is the only one who can heal my heart. I must remember that His name is Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals. He is love, and therefore, can only act out of love. (1John 4:16) I need to remember that the Word of God is an anchor for my soul. The hope of eternal life and the fulfillment of His promises are the hope that I have in persevering through this trial. (Hebrews 6:19)
The Griefshare homework for day three of this week ended with the question, "If you had a broken bone, what steps would you take to help it heal?" and "What similar steps could you apply to the brokenness of your life as a result of grief?" I answered that I would go to a doctor, trusting (and allowing) him to bring healing, and then wait for healing to happen. Similarly, I need to go to the LORD for healing, trust Him to put the broken pieces back together, and wait for healing to happen.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
These waves of grief roll in relentlessly. I try in vain to avoid them, to side-step the tide, but I must remember to put my faith in God's unchanging truth, to walk by faith and not by sight. Because waves come and go, but the Word of the LORD stands forever. He is unchanging. (2Cor. 5:7, Heb. 13:8, Malachi 3:6, 1Pet. 1:25)