Thursday, October 6, 2011

Standing on the shore

I feel like I've been standing on the shore of grief all day. Actually, the past two days have felt like that. This ocean of grief is vast and deep. I was thrown into it without warning and these waters are hard to navigate.

I long to hear my son's voice again. I long to feel his presence. I long to see his big, strapping teenage body. I ache with longing. Psalm 6:2-3 says it well. "Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?" Yet I have taken comfort in Psalm 34:18 that says God "is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

These stages of grief are so unrelenting. I have tried so very hard the last few days not to cry. I am weary of wiping away tears. Though I long to look at pictures of Matt and watch home videos of him, it is just simply too painful. The only way I've been able to accomplish dry eyes is by deliberately not thinking of him. But denial is hard work and doesn't work for long. As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for ya?" Not too well.

If denial doesn't work and I'm not willing to give in and let grief have it's way, then anger becomes my second choice. And let me tell ya, that doesn't work so well, either. I guess I'm just delaying the inevitable. However, with each new passing day, it becomes harder and harder to deny the flow of life. I don't want to stay where I'm at, yet getting farther away from that fateful day also means that I'm no longer "close" to when my son was last alive. And I want to stay close to those last few, precious hours when he was with us. These are such disorienting, confusing waves. 

 Though I am tossed and seasick, lost and flailing, I know that I am not alone. Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;" Trusting Him who made the seas to keep me from drowning, to bring me safely to shore.

 Exodus 15:13 In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling. 

 Psalm 31:3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. 

 Isa 42:16 I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Isaiah 58:11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Psalm 139
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in-- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to {17 Or concerning} me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. 

1 comment:

  1. Spending time with you has awakened a deeper realization of the void in your home, in your life.
    Hurting with you. Love, Me