Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Let's keep it real, shall we?

I don't like being angry. But I am so very tired of hurting. And when the pain doesn't go away, I get angry. And there are a few things I hate about being in this ******* sea of grief.

  • I hate that life continues to go on, that the daily, stupid *necessary* tasks of life don't allow me to just do nothing but grieve. 
  • I hate that I am questioning my faith.
  • I hate speaking of my son in the past tense.
  • I hate that the attacks of satan continue, that the evil one "kicks you while you're down." 
  • I hate that grief plays with your head.
  • I hate that grief affects your physical body. I am SICK and TIRED of being SICK and TIRED.
  • I hate that, though I am exhausted, my body/mind refuses to sleep. And if that weren't enough, what little sleep I do get is poor.
  • I hate that there is an unknown number of days, months, or years until I see Matt again.
  • I hate that because of grief I yell at the rest of the children for no reason.
  • I hate that I can't get out of this "season" of grief, that I have no control over it, and that I didn't have a choice in entering it.
  • I hate trying to convince myself of the truths of God's word.
  • I hate my emotions being tossed constantly about.
  • I hate that the way out is a long ways away. 
  • I hate that every blog post now is related to grief.
I honestly just want to drink myself into oblivion every night. I am angry. I am angry at God. I am angry at Matt. I am angry at Dh. I am angry at myself. I am angry because this weekend is the weekend Matt would have gone to Fall Retreat at Trout Lake camp. And it hurts, hurts deeply, seeing his friends and best buddies go off to camp without him. That's the real reason I'm angry. It hurts. And it sucks.

***Just after I posted, I checked my email and found the daily GriefShare devotional in my inbox. How apropos! (Just like God, eh?!)

Anger: Directed at People or Situations Surrounding Your Loss
Day 68

Anger does not necessarily follow a logical path. Different people will focus their anger in different directions. For instance, you might be angry with people or at circumstances surrounding your loss.

"I remember being angry at first toward my sister-in-law because she was the one who told me [about the car crash]," says Jodie, whose husband was killed. "That made me mad. I had to really ask the Lord to heal that anger. He's faithful."

Heidi shares, "In the situation surrounding my husband's death, there were a lot of people involved in making the decision for him to leave that night. There are times when [I] want to get angry about the way things were done."

Do you need healing from misdirected anger?

"O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me" (Psalm 30:2).

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

Father God, I am angry, and that's okay, but turn my anger away from false, destructive paths. Amen.

1 comment:

  1. Tears in my coffee today...I love you, God loves you...and it is OK to be angry.

    Isaiah 54:11-17(KJV)

    O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.

    And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones.

    And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.