Saturday, October 22, 2011

Living with reality

It's been 12 weeks. I think Dh and I have just now only begun to realize that this is life, a new reality, that our son will not be coming back. It's taken twelve weeks, I think, to realize that. I have had so many thoughts swirling around in my head, yet none stay still long enough to be organized. Somewhat like leaves in a wind storm.

It's also taken me a few weeks to put a name to what I have been feeling. I think it's rather funny, too, as I love words and yet haven't been able to find just the right one to describe how I feel. And then it hit me. The word is fragile. How completely simple, yet I couldn't think of it. Emotionally, I am so very fragile. I feel constantly as if I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff, never knowing quite when I'm going to fall off into the waves of grief below. It is a continual battle of trying to keep my balance so that I don't go plummeting down into the rocks below to be swept out, once again, into the sea of sorrow.

I found myself mulling over the first part of verse four in Psalm 23 that says, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." I've never understood what that means. What exactly is the "valley of the shadow of death"? Is it grief? Is that what the valley of the shadow of death is? I don't know, but I'm beginning to suspect that grief could definitely fit that description.

I have also found myself wondering about Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Every time I drive the van, thoughts of getting into an accident flood my mind. I am tense and feel hyper vigilant. I am keenly aware of every emergency vehicle siren. I note any helicopter flying overhead. I see ambulances and have flashbacks of driving into St. Mary's underground emergency entrance. It seems to me that grief very closely imitates PTSD.

But God's word is ever present. Though I can't read it right now and am unable to comprehend it, the Spirit faithfully intercedes for me during these times. God's word fills my mind, coming up from seemingly nowhere. Yet I know it is because I have hidden His word in my heart. Because I have studied His word through Precepts. And I am so incredibly thankful. Psalm 119:11 "Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee." God surely knew, because He is all-knowing (omniscient), that it was His Word that will carry me through this season of grief. John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." I am thanking my heavenly Father for His Son, for His Word. For He has not left me. He will carry me and give me strength for the days ahead. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil.4:13)

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