Friday, August 12, 2011

Two weeks ago, my son

Genesis 22:2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

Today has been a difficult day. I feel like I've been bungee jumping, left bouncing up and down after the jump, waiting for the springing action to come to a stop. The only thing that keeps me from feeling as if I'm drowning is to keep turning to the Word.

God's word says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."(Isaiah 43:2) Several times in the past few days I have thought of Abraham and have been comforted. God acknowledged to Abraham that it was his son, his only son, the son he loved. As I meditate upon that verse, surely God knows my love, my son, and my pain. 

Grief is just so amazingly complicated. I find it rather ironic that my favorite flowers are daisies, and the reason I love them is because they are so simple. I am struck countless times throughout the day with reminders of Matt everywhere. I still expect to look downstairs and see him sitting in the middle of the couch, with his laptop on his lap. I vacuumed the downstairs and found a pair of his dirty socks. I turn the faucet on the kitchen sink and realize the cup he always had sitting there, isn't. I pick up my keys for the van and realize I no longer have a key for the other van, which then leads to thoughts of why I no longer have a key. And then there are the constant reminders in the mail, the cards, the insurance forms, the clinic. It is no wonder some people remain in their grief, never moving on. 

Yet the LORD has been so good to us, so gentle to us through this. He is there. I had a miscarriage once, between Matt and Abby, and I found Psalm 13 to be comforting then, and I find it comforting now.

Psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

I pray I would not focus on what I have lost, but "fix (my) eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of (my) faith." (Heb.12:2) It is only through Christ that I can do all things...yes, even survive the loss of my child. (Phil.4:13) He knows, He sees, He is sovereign. Blessed be the name of the LORD.


  1. Thanks for being real... love you...

  2. I read this again & again am amazed at the truth of God's word... sang the song "I'll fly away" today at church... cried... thanks for pointing me back to the word... God is good... He is faithful... and He does understand...