Thursday, March 14, 2013

Swimming back to shore

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." 
Hebrews 10:23 (NIV)

For different reasons, it's been a tough week. Been missing my son so very much. The pain is indescribable, yet I struggle continually to define it. I came across a blog the other day of a woman whose 4mo. old baby died, and I finally found the words I'd been searching for for so long. Referring to grief in a post titled, "The Battle of Our Lives," Alison Terhorst states:  
"What I was not prepared for in all of this was the endurance needed to survive this tragedy and simply live.
I am shocked at how much energy it takes just to be, just to live life, just to carry out day to day activities. 
I have come to the point, now, where I am beyond the heart crushing, raw pain of grief, but have entered a new stage of a continual state of dull heart ache at all times. It is like music playing in the background, sometimes you are conscious of it and at other times are you not cognitively aware of it, but it is always there." (Italics mine)

The analogy of grief being like "music playing in the background...always there." That's it. That's what I've been trying to describe what the pain is like now. The only thing is, the music isn't comforting. It's hauntingly bittersweet and the ache penetrates to my bone marrow. It is a constant ache. Sometimes noticeable, sometimes not. But always there.

I got sucked out to sea this week. Swimming back is beyond exhausting, but I hold on to the truth of God's word. It is the lifeline that draws me back to shore. He is faithful and some day my hope will become reality when I finally see my Savior. Until then, He is my strength, my shield, my comforter, my redeemer, and my very great reward. 


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