It's been a bad couple of days. I just want to lie in bed and make the world go away. I want to go to heaven. Now. I don't understand why God took my son, yet leaves someone else to live until they're 90. The pain is just so unbearable. Have you ever seen those infants they show on t.v. sometimes that shake uncontrollably in response to pain or drug addiction withdrawal? I feel like one of them, where the pain is so unspeakable, there is nothing but reflex left. No sound, just uncontrollable shaking in the depths of my soul. I really feel like an amputee, looking down for my appendage, only to see it's not there and never will be again. I have no motivation and feel much like the writer of Ecclesiastes when he says that everything is meaningless and all is vanity.(Ecc. 2:17)
Last night was the first session of bible study on the book of Nehemiah. I had a hard time because the video spoke of leaving a legacy, that God has a purpose for each one of us, and all I could think was, "What kind of legacy did Matt get to leave?" It just seems so unfair. Ugh. I am stuck, because where else can I go? "Whom have I in heaven but You?" (Psalm 73:25) The LORD has hemmed me in. (Psalm 139:5) I know I should find this comforting and wonderful, but right now it just doesn't feel good. I miss my son. I want him back. I want to change reality and I can't. This is a pit I cannot climb out of. I can do nothing but turn and wait for the One who can rescue me.