Decisions, Decisions

Drama boy has been going back and forth over many birthday cake ideas, but I think he's finally sticking with a dolphin cake! I'm not real familiar with dolphins. (Imagine that!) But, thanks to Google images, I think I should be able to pull it off. :) (Then I have to "whip up" a Polar bear cake for Mr. Monkey five days after Drama boy's!)

On another note...Drama boy asked me yesterday, "Mom, when are we gonna get Dad's silver van back?" :( One minute I think I'm actually doing o.k., and the next I'm not. *sigh* I once again explained to him that we weren't getting it back, that it had been broken too badly and couldn't be fixed.

The ups and downs of this roller coaster ride of grief, however, are not as steep as they were seven months ago. They've also spread out just a tad, enough that I've been able to laugh at moments and smile with genuineness. I'd say on a scale of 1-10, it used to be a 10 and now it's about an 8. There are moments, though, it certainly shoots back up to 10. Just depends.

I still struggle with answering the automatic "How are you?" question. I realize some people ask because they genuinely care about the answer and others ask out of habit, without thinking. Yet I don't know what to say. Because, to me, to say the standard answer of "Fine" or "O.k." would be lying. I hate being caught off guard with the "How are you?" question when I'm out running errands and whatnot. I want to be prepared with an answer. I have often replied, "I'm functioning." Currently, my standard answer is "I've been better." I think, however, I like this reply: "I'm trusting God."

Looking over the past seven months, I've certainly had enough reason to. I was scheduled today for a colonoscopy, but the clinic called yesterday and informed me that the Dr. had gone home sick. I was a bit irritated at the change in plans, but came to the conclusion that God must have a reason. I will trust Him.

It is a daily decision, almost hourly, to trust Him. There are innumerable times throughout the day when I have to take my thoughts captive and simply go back to the truth that God loves me and that, eventually, His plan will be fulfilled. Not nearly as soon as I would like, but keeping faith that some day, it will.

One of the most difficult things about waiting, however, for that fulfillment is that from July 29, 2011 until I enter heaven myself, I have no choice but to speak of my son in the past tense. I hate that. I hate it. I hate death. Oh, how I long for heaven. Our GriefShare group video last night, though, reminded us of the promise that some day, there will be the death of death. Hallelujah!!! You can bet I will be jumping for joy on that day! I thank God for His Word and for reminding me that God's story is a life, death, life story.