Thursday, September 1, 2011

I can't...

So Artsy girl and Army boy are all better.....and now Drama boy is sick. Again. 3 1/2 wks. of this sickness. 3 1/2 wks. of no sleep. 34 days of carrying around in my heart a wound so deep, so immense, there are no words. There is no strength. The LORD has hemmed me in on every side. I don't understand and no matter how much I struggle, how much I wish, how much I plead and beg, no matter how many tears I cry, He will not let me off of this ride. How do I not sink into the depths of despair? How do I go on? The LORD does not give us more than we can handle, I know, but this sure in the heck feels like it. In fact, the farther out I get from the day of Matt's death, I almost think it's if that's possible.

I even read a blog this past week that actually said God does give us more than we can handle because that way we turn to Him and that way HE handles it, whatever "it" is. I completely disagree with that whole argument. To say that God gives us more than we can handle is to say that God is not a God of love then. But God simply does NOT set us up for failure. That is NOT his character. He is not a God who desires to crush us or have us defeated.

Isaiah 42:3 "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;"
Romans 8:37 "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."

I am trying to cling to Isaiah 40:29-31, but all I can think is, "When? Lord, when?" This see-saw of emotion is inexplicable. Yet I am reminded of God's goodness daily. I saw it today when I opened a card from a gal in my Bible study group. She wrote, "...when my burdens grow greater then God pours out much more of His grace for me." How timely. Her return address label had a cardinal on it, too. I thought, "Hmmm. I wonder if Barb knew her label had a cardinal on it." You see, Barb is blind. And in the past few weeks, the cardinal has become a very special bird to us. Matt had drawn one several years ago when I had signed him up for an art class. He also went through a phase when he was younger where he was really into birds. He would still, even last year, sit at the dining room table and watch the birds outside. It's also the picture we chose to put on the front of the funeral program. And we have seen a cardinal every day since the funeral.

Then last night, I saw the goodness of the Lord again as I sat in the last session of our Beth Moore Daniel Bible study. The women around the table, whom I had only just met a few months ago, stood around me, placed their hands on me, and prayed for me. They cried with me and reminded me again that God loves me. We watched the DVD of the lesson after that and I was moved to tears again as, of all things, the topic Beth Moore was speaking on was death, the new heaven and the new earth, and God's final assurances to Daniel that are fitting assurances to us as well. One of the truths she stated was that "in God's drama, unparalleled distress can set the perfect stage for unparalleled deliverance." This particular truth spoke to me in such a powerful way that I can't even put adequate words to it.

God has shown us countless things throughout this last month. Things that He didn't have to show us. Yet, in His mercy and goodness, He did. We know why the van crossed into the other lane, we know our precious son was not alone or conscious after the accident happened, and we know that God does not take you to places where He also does not provide for you. He does not, has not, and will not abandon us. God's truth, thankfully, is not dependent on our feelings. I can't see the end from the beginning. I can't imagine the wound in my heart healing. I can't fathom an unknown amount of time passing by before seeing my son again. But while I can't...God can.

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