Tuesday, September 6, 2011

First Day of School

Yesterday was a very difficult day. I couldn't help but think about today. Matt would have started his junior year of high school. The waves of grief once again came pounding in, knocking me over, pulling me out to sea. I finally managed to get my footing when I remembered that Matt was done with school, and he would only be all too happy about that. Especially given the fact that he would have had to repeat English, a class he hated. It still breaks my heart, but I must focus on eternity. It is the only thing that keeps me from drowning.

Another wave of grief came crashing in when Artsy girl told me about Mr. Monkey on Sunday. We had gotten home from church and she went up behind him and poked him, just being silly and fun. But it's something Matt always did to him. Mr. Monkey didn't know it was Artsy girl behind him and he turned around and said excitedly "Matt!", then looked confused and questioningly said, "Matt? Matt?" He then saw Artsy girl and started crying. It broke my heart to hear that, yet was comforting in knowing that he hasn't forgotten his big brother. I have asked the LORD to please, please give Mr. Monkey a memory of his big brother, that he would somehow remember him even when he's grown.

Mr. Monkey and Drama boy have finally started sleeping through the night again, too, as of two days ago. Drama boy also went to Urgent Care on Saturday for an ear infection. He has some med's and is doing much better. Dh and I also slept through the night last night and the night before. It's not the greatest sleep, but much better than it's been. I, at least, have been able to go without sleeping aids and fall back asleep when I do wake now.

On one hand, it's hard seeing normalcy return. It's hard moving on without my son, yet we know there really is no choice. Thankfully, blessedly, grief is but for a season. John 16:22 "So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." (NIV)

Getting back to routine and normalcy includes school. So while public schools start today, our homeschool actually started two weeks ago. This is our third week into it and it has gone better than I expected. I had had school planning and assignments completely done by July, so it was a fairly smooth start. I'm not anticipating that to continue, however, as I know we will most assuredly be interrupted with the rising and falling tides of grief. It is to be expected. I will extend grace for myself, Dh, and the children. 

Today's schedule, in fact, will be thrown off with an eye appointment for Drama boy and a trip to pick up my mom. She'll be staying for a few days to help me go through Matt's clothes. We are going to pick out his shirts that his Aunt Patty is going to use to put into a wall quilt. It will be difficult, I know, but I am also anticipating some healing when the quilt is done.

Off to shower and prepare for the day. I have a major sore throat and headache. Going to keep expectations low for today and play the worship music non-stop. :)


  1. Angel~ I really wish you all were NOT going through all this. My heart just aches for yous.

  2. praying... God is good... He is faithful... and He does love you with an everlasting love!!!