Falling apart

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Josh Wilson - Before the Morning Lyrics

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you, where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on and just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on and just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the weight of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the weight of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare to believe,
that you still got a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
it can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare to believe,
that you still got a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
it can't compare to the joy that's coming

come on, you got to wait for the light
press on and just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
oh, the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Monday was a horrendous day. I just couldn't get my bearings. The breakers came in, crashed over me, and I was sucked out to a sea of grief without warning. It was a tsunami of emotions. Only a few times in my life have I felt things were so bad that I wanted to die. This was one of them. The loss of my son was so overwhelming that I just simply wanted to die, to go be with him. I've been sick with a sinus infection the past couple of days and lost my voice and, though I was sobbing, I couldn't even make a noise. I cried out to God, "Why did you do this to me? Lord, why?" I lay there and wept soundlessly until falling asleep. When I woke, I felt as though I were dead already, that something inside my spirit had died. Yet in the recesses of my mind, I knew that a life of bitterness, turning from God, was not the answer. Not if I claimed to be a child of God. So what was I to do, I wondered? How do I live again? I didn't have an answer.

I went to bed Monday night taking a sleeping pill. Tuesday wasn't much better. Seeing the check clear online for the mortuary didn't help, and neither did receiving a bill from the fire department responding to the accident. We had also gotten the notice from AAA about towing the van from the scene of the accident. There was the Life Flight hospital statement and the bill from St. Mary's, too. So many reminders that my son is gone, my heart wounded indelibly.

I did manage, however, to play some worship and praise music on Tuesday, though I wasn't "in the mood" for it. It did help, and by supper time, I was ready to go to Bible study. I am continuing in a Precept study on the book of Genesis, part 4. It's titled, "Wrestling with God." Ya think??? I knew going would be a good thing, even if I was exhausted. I wasn't wrong. The message, even though the video was referring to Jacob and Esau, was applicable to me. It was about persevering, about not throwing away our birthright. It was God's word to me through the video, spoken by Kay Arthur, saying, "Don't drift away."  In fact, my exact thoughts as I lay on my bed Monday afternoon were the words, "I just want to walk away. I want to drift away." God knew. He is sovereign. He had a plan. I need to trust Him.

^{Hebrews 10: 35} 

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

³⁶ You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. ³⁷ For,

   “In just a little while,
   he who is coming will come
   and will not delay.”

 ³⁸ And,

   “But my righteous one will live by faith.