If I could...

Matt - We're going to Trout Lake camp for your birthday. For already a week now I've been dreading May 2, and with each new day on the calendar it keeps getting closer. I am glad, though, that we have the trip to Trout Lake planned. I know you loved going there. The Mansfield's are also going to remember your birthday by doing all the things you liked to do. They're going to sleep in late, play LOTR (Lord of the Rings) online, drink a McDonald's Mocha Frappe, and then eat a bowl of cereal at 10:30pm. Sounds pretty good, huh? Maybe I should remind Max to be his usual antagonizing self, too, eh?! LOL He was about the only one who could get you to really laugh and crack a smile. At least more than a smirk, anyway. :) To think you'd be 17 years old. I wish I could have seen it and I wonder what kind of cake you would have liked and what you would have wanted for your birthday. Oh, how my heart hurts. Keeping my eyes on Jesus, Mateo. Hope your praying for us up there. Love you, Mom.

Speaking of birthdays...My birthday last Saturday was horribly painful, yet I can't explain why. I did not want to celebrate it. I wanted it to be just another day like any other, and for the most part, it was. I had asked my friends - those who knew and remembered the 14th - to please heed my wishes and not say anything and they respected that. It meant so much to me! I guess I should have given my extended family a warning as well, but I failed to communicate that to them. (If only I had remembered the GriefShare advice from lesson eight of the workbook about "checking your expectations." I needed to remember that those who comfort me aren't mind readers!) I regret that, but done is done. *sigh* Lesson learned.

Another GriefShare lesson I've learned is that it doesn't have to make sense. Grief is unique to each person, and no one grieves perfectly. Grief is messy. Dr. Larry Crabb states, "Be whoever you are. Your own pattern of grief will be your pattern of grief." For me, this means I just roll with it, or at least try to. I cry when I feel like crying. I don't fight it or try to hold it back. And most importantly, I don't stuff it. It also means being honest with God. Ultimately, I know that He is the only one who will understand, the only one who will never leave me nor forsake me, and the only one who truly accepts me for who I am, faults and all. I love what Max Lucado says: "God loves you just the way you are, but He refuses to leave you that way." Thanking God for that!

What ticks me off

The emotions of grief are many. Anger being one of them. It's one, however, that Dh and I haven't experienced much. But that doesn't mean I'm not angry. Let me explain.

Dh and I, almost immediately after finding out about the loss of our son, resolved to forgive. We knew there was no moving forward without forgiveness. So, for all these months, I haven't been angry at Matt. Sure, I wish with all my heart that he hadn't made such a stupid mistake, but I know it was an accident. Just a stupid accident. And I have forgiven him for reaching for that bottle of Gator-aid, for taking his eyes off the road.

What makes me angry, however, is death. I am angry that death exists. I am angry that death leaves a person in indescribable pain. I am angry that we have to live in a fallen world. I am angry at all the *crap* we have to deal with after the loss of a loved one. I am angry that I don't have any pictures of Matt from July. I am angry that grief changes things and changes relationships. I am angry that Matt didn't leave his passwords for all of his computer stuff. (Technically, he did. He left a file, but, of course, true to Matt, he put a password on that!) I am angry that parents don't have access to their minor child's accounts. I am angry at the double standards that exist...that while my 16yo. was old enough to drive, he wasn't old enough to be in the Dr.'s office by himself. (Yeah, like my 16yo. son wanted his mommy back in the exam room with him!) And while I am responsible for EVERY SINGLE BILL and EXPENSE for MY CHILD, I don't have the rights to their dental records once they turn 14. These kinds of things *tick* me off.


Yet I know in all of this that God is sovereign. Some day He will make all things right. Some day, there will be no more death, no more sorrow, no more tears. There will be no more sin or sickness. There will be a new earth. Some day, we will be in Heaven, where things will be perfect and glorious. Some day, it will be as it was intended. In the meantime, I trust God's sovereignty and will continue to pour out my heart to Him. Because He understands.  Matthew 26:38 "Then He *said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death;"

This is me feeling sorry for myself

Went back to the Dr. yesterday. Had TWO days where I felt physically fine. Two. Out of the last FOUR WEEKS. Can I just get a break? Apparently, the last Rx did not get rid of my sinus infection. :( So on to a stronger one. And, as if the sinus infection wasn't miserable enough, I've had a tingling sensation down my entire left leg for a week and a half. Thankfully at least, the bursitis in my right hip hasn't been acting up, for once! I got a few x-rays of my back taken and a possible appointment for an MRI coming up, depending on what the x-rays show. *sigh* I am so mentally and physically exhausted. I am discouraged. I do not make a good sick patient. I am crabby and just want a break from life. So, yeah, this is me feeling sorry for myself. But, hey, lest I sound utterly, hopelessly negative, I will say that I am thankful for the smell of lilacs! :) That...and the minute of pure quiet right now as none of the kids are up yet! Help me, God, through this day.

Easter

Just glad it's over. Felt all day as if both Dh and I were just gritting our teeth, bearing through the day. Just painful. That's all there is to it. I felt much like I was putting on an act because, for everyone, today was a day of celebration and rejoicing. And it is. I am rejoicing over the resurrection of Christ, but deeply grieving our loss. I don't know how to explain it. It's just so hard on days like these when you go to church and see all of the other families complete and whole and happy. I just constantly try to remind myself of the truth...that without the resurrection of Jesus, then Matt, nor any of us, would have eternal life. I have to remember that Jesus is alive, and because He lives, so does Matt. My son IS alive and I will see him again. And I will see Jesus. I will see the Father, my heavenly Father, who loves me so much, who binds up my wounds, meets my needs, strengthens my faith, and isn't threatened by my doubts or fears, but invites me to come to Him with them.

Maundy Thursday

Maundy Thursday. Heavy heart. Though we had a wonderful time with friends over and celebrated Maundy Thursday with a Passover meal, never once, not for one second, did I forget that Matt wasn't there. I was appreciative, however, that our friends brought plain cake with powdered sugar on top for dessert. It was Matt's favorite.

I often wonder, too, what Matt's friends think when they come over to visit. It's a curious situation, as Tim's and my best friends are also the parents of Matt's two best friends. All three of our boys have known each other since infancy, and all of us have been at Bethel (church) for over 18 years. Matt, Josh, and Luke were known as "The Three Amigos." :) *sigh* Such memories.

Yet I am thankful for the sacrifice of Christ. He knew what was coming, but was "obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross" (Phil. 2:8) so that we might live forever with Him. When grief attempts to pull me under, I try to "take captive every thought" (2 Cor. 10:5)  and focus, instead, on eternity, to look up.

I continue to find great encouragement from the Streams in the Desert devotional. The following excerpt is from April 2, "Do Not Yield to Discouragement:"

"Keep looking up--
The waves that roar around thy feet,
Jehovah-Jireh will defeat
When looking up.

"Keep looking up--
Though darkness seems to wrap thy soul;
The Light of Light shall fill thy soul
When looking up.

"Keep looking up--
When worn, distracted with the fight;
Your Captain gives you conquering might
When you look up."


(End of excerpt)

Oh, hasten the day, Lord. Hasten the day.

For the moment

For the moment, this moment, I can say I'm o.k. I don't know when the next wave of grief will hit, but for this moment, I'm not out to sea. I am learning to really appreciate the good moments, and try to roll with the bad. Thinking I would never say, "I'm o.k." again and actually saying it, surprises the heck out of me. In fact, it's a miracle, if you ask me. Even if it's more of a knee-jerk response, I still never would have thought I could say it again. It's kinda funny, though, because the few times I've answered, "I'm o.k.", in my head, however, I am adding, "For this moment, anyway."

It's been a rough several weeks. Once again, I am back on antibiotics. Three weeks ago, I had trouble with allergies, which, in itself, is unbelievable, because I haven't had problems with them in over 25 years!!! (I suffered horribly with allergies when I lived in TN.) All thanks to Old Man Winter for being absent this year, my allergies not only returned, but took a turn for the worse and developed into a bronchial infection. So, after three miserable weeks, I now have a round of antibiotics, prednisone, and Diflucan. Lovely. To add to the health issues, Sweet Stuff also has strep throat for the fourth time. *sigh*

Many times, due to all the sickness we've had the past 8 months, I catch myself sarcastically thinking, "Thanks a lot, Matt." Yet I know it's really not his fault. The truth is, it's death's fault...and death entered through sin. Sin, and therefore sickness, entered the world a long time ago, and unfortunately, because of that, the loss of a loved one doesn't just affect us emotionally, but physically as well. Grief throws such a punch to the body and it's immune system. It's very humbling. For someone who really abhors taking synthetic drugs/medicine, I'm incredibly thankful for them right now.

But for all the illness lately, there have been good moments, though bittersweet. Mr. Monkey and Drama boy both had birthdays this past week. Unfortunately, the stupid camera or SD card wouldn't work, however, so I have no pictures of them on their special day. :(  Those moments are gone, just like that, not to be gotten back. Makes me very sad. I did, however, manage to get pictures of their cake. Not sure why those ended up being read by the SD card/camera, but I guess beggars can't be choosy. I uploaded the photos of the cake to the photo album link.

In other "good" news, I got an iPad! It's quite fun. I checked out a Karen Kingsbury e-book this afternoon from the library, so I'm excited to read it. Not exactly sure how I'm going to actually find the time to do that, but the idea is simply lovely! :)

Anyway - for the moment, I am relieved that the waves of grief are slowing down. Thanks be to God.

Bittersweet things

Dh and I finished drawing up the BPA Scholarship Application papers in Matt's name. The first $1,000 scholarship will be awarded in May. Such mixed emotions of grief and thankfulness. Grief because this scholarship wouldn't exist if my son hadn't died, yet so incredibly thankful that over $10,000 has been given in honor of our son and his memory. *sigh* So very hard.

We also finalized the set up of a Christian message board for those grieving the loss of a loved one. www.grievingwithhope.org will be launched officially July 29. In the meantime, it will be "unofficially" open via word of mouth so that we can work out any programming bugs or issues before the official launch and get feedback on anything that might need tweaking. Again, bittersweet. Programming the whole website would have been totally up Matt's alley. Yet the only reason the board exists is because Matt died.

Bittersweet.