Thursday, April 12, 2012

What ticks me off

The emotions of grief are many. Anger being one of them. It's one, however, that Dh and I haven't experienced much. But that doesn't mean I'm not angry. Let me explain.

Dh and I, almost immediately after finding out about the loss of our son, resolved to forgive. We knew there was no moving forward without forgiveness. So, for all these months, I haven't been angry at Matt. Sure, I wish with all my heart that he hadn't made such a stupid mistake, but I know it was an accident. Just a stupid accident. And I have forgiven him for reaching for that bottle of Gator-aid, for taking his eyes off the road.

What makes me angry, however, is death. I am angry that death exists. I am angry that death leaves a person in indescribable pain. I am angry that we have to live in a fallen world. I am angry at all the *crap* we have to deal with after the loss of a loved one. I am angry that I don't have any pictures of Matt from July. I am angry that grief changes things and changes relationships. I am angry that Matt didn't leave his passwords for all of his computer stuff. (Technically, he did. He left a file, but, of course, true to Matt, he put a password on that!) I am angry that parents don't have access to their minor child's accounts. I am angry at the double standards that exist...that while my 16yo. was old enough to drive, he wasn't old enough to be in the Dr.'s office by himself. (Yeah, like my 16yo. son wanted his mommy back in the exam room with him!) And while I am responsible for EVERY SINGLE BILL and EXPENSE for MY CHILD, I don't have the rights to their dental records once they turn 14. These kinds of things *tick* me off.

Yet I know in all of this that God is sovereign. Some day He will make all things right. Some day, there will be no more death, no more sorrow, no more tears. There will be no more sin or sickness. There will be a new earth. Some day, we will be in Heaven, where things will be perfect and glorious. Some day, it will be as it was intended. In the meantime, I trust God's sovereignty and will continue to pour out my heart to Him. Because He understands.  Matthew 26:38 "Then He *said to them, My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death;"

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