3 years and 9 months

Three years and nine months ago today my 16yr. old son was airlifted by helicopter to a hospital an hour and a half away. He never made it to the hospital, however. Instead, he flew into glory before the flight ended. He was instantly made perfect in heaven while our hearts were instantly broken, shattered into a billion, unrecognizable pieces.

The second, however, that grief stepped in, grace took over. For the past three years and nine months, God has continued to bring healing and hope to our broken hearts. They will never be the same, for we bear on our hearts the scars of grief. Death leaves a mark, but it is a mark that evidences survival, evidence of a God that loves us so much, that won't leave us to tend to our wounds alone.

As this difficult week seemingly draws on and on, I am thankful for the reminder of His love. I am pondering the lyrics of the song, "How He Loves" by the David Crowder Band. My heart lies prostrate, soaking up truth like a sunbather on the beach soaking up the sun's rays. I am particularly struck by this line: "I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,..." How it comforts me to know how great His love is toward me and how, someday, all of these afflictions will be eclipsed by glory.




My heart hurts. It hurts so much that words fail me. But I can listen. And listen I will to God's truth, spoken by so many brothers and sisters in Christ. They are precious to me, these words. I gasp for truth. It becomes my oxygen on these days when grief squeezes the air from my lungs. I needed to be reminded of God's love and all that remains. Ann Voskamp's post today was my "God-nod." Ann writes:

"...our broken bones can be re-memembered when we remember to thank a good God...

When we stop seeing reasons to give thanks, we stop thinking there are reasons to live.

 When we don’t focus on what we can thank God for, we can’t focus on living for God. 

Giving thanks can help us want to take —
the next breath."

 
I give thanks for Jesus who also bears the scars of death. (John 20:24-29) He is the grace I need, the reason I live.

A new chapter

I really can't explain how or why our new used van is the "page" that turned this grief journey to a new chapter. I only know that it feels as if I have inexplicably begun a new chapter in our lives. It seems so silly. After all, it's just a van. Yet it's more than that. It's a symbol of something new. It's a sign of closure on a very bad, horrendous, and indescribably painful time in our lives. 

Healing on the journey of grief takes an incredible amount of time, far more than those on the outside would expect, and far more than those experiencing it would like. It also takes an inordinate amount of energy. Healing doesn't just happen. It takes concentrated effort, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done.

Moving forward is indescribably difficult, but it is the only choice. The wound must heal, for there is no other option. It will either heal, or it won't. But healing. Healing is not some pretty, neat, quick process. It is ugly, chaotic, long, and excruciating. It's taken me more than 3 years to get to a place where I can finally answer honestly, "I'm good." to those who ask, "How are you?"

For so long, grief is all I've known. However, as GriefShare says, it is an experience, not an identity. Yet it's hard to fathom how it can't be your identity because, as a parent, our children make up so much of our life. They are a part of us. It is a great struggle to reconcile the "before" of our life with our "after." (The "before," of course, is before your child/ren died, and the "after" is after the death of your child/ren.) It's unbelievably hard getting to a place where you truly believe that "earth has no sorrow that heaven can't heal."(David Crowder - Come As You Are)




I think one of the greatest battles in grief is the battle to believe God and, as a result, to choose better over bitter. This new chapter doesn't negate the loss, the sorrow, or the pain. Instead, it is the product of it. The compost of grief has, finally, begun to birth new life, new growth. I am convinced that healing only happens when we come as we are to God, leaning into our grief, yet relying on Him to do what He says He will do. He will bring beauty from ashes and bind up the brokenhearted. He will be our all in all when we simply come to Him, trusting Him to do the impossible. I still don't understand why He chose to write this chapter of child loss into the story of our family, but I do know that this chapter isn't the end of the story. A new chapter has begun.

Where is my God?

Psalm 42

1 As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul pants for You, O God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God;
When shall I come and appear before God?
³ My tears have been my food day and night,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me.
For I used to go along with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God,
With the voice of joy and thanksgiving, a multitude keeping festival.

⁵ Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
 Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
⁶ O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan
And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
⁸ The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I will say to God my rock, “Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
¹⁰ As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,
While they say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”
¹¹ Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me? 

Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

The guests had all left, and the younger boys were finally in bed. The annual Super Bowl party that we've hosted at our home now for about ten years was over. While it was fun, and we had a wonderful time spent with dear friends, I couldn't wait to go to my bedroom, shut the door, and lie on my bed and cry unhindered. I finally gave in to the tears that I'd held back for weeks. I miss my son. I ache with longing to see him, to speak to him face to face, to hear his voice.

I find myself fiercely fighting jealousy and self-pity as I read FB posts from other parents about their 18 year old. I have missed two and a half years of Matt's life. The thought made me weep all the more. These are the moments where I feel as if God is nowhere to be found. It is as if my cries fall on deaf ears to a silent and invisible God. Again, I lamented, "Why, God? Why?" The pain of losing my son inhabits the very marrow of my bones. Again, it hits anew that a part of me has died. I feel empty, and I am broken. All that's left of me is a shell.

I remain an amputee and, two and a half years later, I still reject this reality. I don't want to be a bereaved parent, and I don't want to "get used to" my loss. Yet I know that it is futile. I am fighting with my Maker. As much as we all want to think we're the ones writing our story, we're not. GOD is. He writes our story. We, however, tell it. The question for me now becomes, "How well will I tell it? Whose perspective will I use? Mine? Or God's?" My perspective is tainted. Tainted with grief and the confines of time. God's perspective is perfect and eternal.

I can't see God in these searing hours of pain, but my heart knows the truth. He is here. I desperately need God to show up, to remind me of how much He loves me. I only know of two ways He does this for me: 1) through His Word and 2) through music. When I focus on His Word I see not my loss, but Jesus. I, like Peter, can choose to look at my circumstances or look at the One who overcomes circumstances.

Jesus, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross. He didn't deny His pain. He didn't pretend it didn't exist. He kept His eyes on a future joy. He had the hope of eternity. He had the love of the Father. He chose the nails...for me...so that some day there will be no more death, no more sorrow, no more crying, no more pain. Only eternal life. Because He loves us.

Just not a good day

The water heater went out last night, so I didn't get a shower this morning (or any hot water, for that matter, for anything else). I also woke with a sore throat (always due to lack of sleep). On top of that, within one minute of his rising this morning, I had to tell the four year old to go back to bed until he was ready to come out cheerful. And if that's not enough, grief decided to stage an ambush. Then, to mess things up even further, I had to be out of the house to take Sweet Stuff (15yo.) to her french class.

On the way home from dropping her off, I heard the song "Never Let Go" by the David Crowder Band. I pulled into the driveway as it played and gave in to the wave of grief, crying for the almost five minutes it took for the song to play. The repetition of the lyrics was something I didn't realize I desperately needed to hear.

I'd had a heavy heart since last night when Matt's 6yo. brother came to me and said he missed his brother. While I am so thankful that 1) he remembers his brother and 2) he's secure enough to come and talk to us about it, seeing him hurt, coupled with the fact that I can't take it away, pains me deeply.

I was greeted by a cheerful 4yo., however, when I walked back in the door, all due to the amazing 13yo. sister he has. She was making colored pancakes for him. There is grace and mercy and blessings on this road of grief as well...and for that, I am thankful. He never lets go.