Saturday, August 25, 2012

More phantom pains

So this would have been the year Matt graduated. Lord willing, anyway. (He was an incredibly smart kid, but chose not to use his smarts in certain classes. Like English. Which he failed the last quarter of his sophomore year. Which is why I say Lord willing.)

Anyway - here it is near the end of August. Another school year is gearing up, and I have already read two FB friends' posts about how their child will be graduating this year and how graduation party planning is in the works. Honestly, I know the posts are completely innocent. They have no intention whatsoever of causing pain. In fact, I'm absolutely sure I'm not even on their radar when they make references of this kind. I realize this. BUT. But it hurts. I am truly happy for them and rejoice with them. BUT IT HURTS. It feels like I've been unintentionally, accidentally bumped into, right at the spot of amputation. It sets off reverberating ripples of phantom pains.

I don't want to deal with this for the next year, and it's only going to get worse as May and graduations draw near, in my opinion. I also know, Lord willing, that I will get to experience graduations, etc., with our other kids, but the truth remains. Not with Matt. But it is what it is. It's part of life and it's a part of grief. I just remind myself to take a deep breath, remember that my son is alive in Heaven, and that ultimately, these momentary "joys" on this earth are just that. Momentary joys. There is greater joy waiting. Much greater joy.
Permanent and everlasting joy. Hallelujah.

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