I am not a dam

The last several days have been a valiant attempt at holding back tears. But God gave us tears for a reason. They're not meant to be held inside, and I am not a dam.

Matt, tonight as I watched your little brothers play together on the trampoline, I wondered what you would be doing if you were here. Would you be working? Would you be on the computer? Would you be at a friend's house? Would you have been at ping pong? But wondering is what broke the dam. I just hurt so much. I miss you more than words can say.

Your dad is doing o.k. He says if he could have you back, he wouldn't, because he knows how great Heaven is. But honestly, in moments like this, I can't say that. I do want you back. I am selfish. I know Heaven is wonderful, too, but I still want you back. I want my life back, struggles with you and all, son. I ache with longing.

Recording artist Jewel has a song called "Satisfied." I heard it several times, and even downloaded it, months before you died. Looking back, I regret not heeding the lyrics and failing to take seriously the foreshadowing of your leaving. The words are true in that the sorrow of regret is a painful, excruciating state for the heart.

"Satisfied"
by Jewel

If you love somebody
You better let it out
Don't hold it back
While you're trying to figure it out
Don't be timid
Don't be afraid to hurt
Run toward the flame
Run toward the fire
Hold on for all your worth
Cause the only real pain a heart can ever know
Is the sorrow of regret
When you don't let your feelings show

[Chorus]
So did you say it
Did you mean it
Did you lay it on the line
Did you make it count
Did you look 'em in the eye
Did they feel it
Did you say it in time
Did you say it out loud
'cause if you did hun
Then you lived some
That feeling inside
That's called satisfied

Busy people walking by
Can't help but worry some
With so many things to do
So little love gets done
Empty hearts everywhere
Drowning but dying of thirst
If you want love
It's not that tough
Start by giving it first
It's so easy to give
Baby can't you see
Just close your eyes open your heart
And do what comes naturally

[Chorus]
Well did you say it
Did you mean it
Did you lay it on the line
Did you make it count
Did you look 'em in the eye
Did they feel it
Did you say it in time
Did you say it out loud
'cause if you did hun
Then you lived some
That feeling inside
That's called satisfied

[Bridge]
Horses are built to run
The sun is meant to shine above
Flowers are made to bloom
And then there's us
We were born to love

[Repeat Chorus]

Yet I pray you would know, Matt, how much I love you, how much I regret certain things, how much I wish our relationship had been better, how sorry I am for not being a better mother. I can only hope and pray that Heaven allows those who are there to know that, to see that. And I trust that in the time between now and seeing you again that God would continue to hold on to me and remind me of His truths.