I haven't had a moment to spare. I can't count how many times I have tried to sit down at the computer and blog! So many ups and downs on this roller coaster, yet I am finding that either I am getting used to them, or they aren't as high and low on this course of the track. I marvel still at how one can survive this kind of heartbreak and loss, yet am in awe of God's blessings and comfort. I can see progress, though I wonder if the profound sadness will always remain.
This week, I caught myself saying, "It's getting better" in response to the dreaded "How are you?" It's such a peculiar emotion, this grief mixed with healing, bitter mixed with sweet. I don't understand how they can co-exist, and it leaves me a bit perplexed.
Yesterday was Dh's birthday. It was also a GriefShare meeting night, but our group, however, had been invited to dinner by a "veteran" member of the group. He is a generous man who brings hope to the group with the assurance that, yes, joy will return. So we met last night at Lyle's house, a beautiful, beautiful home where he served us chicken kiev, wild rice, dinner rolls, and asparagus. And for dessert, there was peppermint ice cream!!! (I was then obliged to confess my peppermint addiction!) It was a wonderful evening of fellowship and, yes, even laughter.
On the down side, church, however, is still the one place that I find so very difficult to be. I realized it's because it is so much like home. So much of our time is/was invested in our church body and family. And church is where I see so many familiar families. It's that reminder, seeing them, that makes it so painful. It is hard, but I know I must do hard things. I tell myself that going to church isn't as hard as burying my son. I also know that it is for my good. I need to hear truth, and I need to keep myself in fellowship even if I don't feel like it.
I'm unable to sing worship songs yet, but I am trying to give myself grace. I am allowing myself to just soak truth in and let the music minister to me. Some day I will sing again, but, for now, I know it's o.k. not to, too.
It seems for every down turn on this ride, there's an upturn. God continually reminds me of His love for us. This afternoon, another dear friend unexpectedly stopped by with gifts for the kids and a beautiful cardinal ornament for me and Tim. What a blessing to visit, even if only for a short time.
These special gifts and visits are treasured. God is seeing us through, not only the holidays, but this season of sorrow. With a thankful heart...