Faith in the dark

BEAUTIFUL THINGS

by Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Grief will change you, there is no question of that. Grief throws you violently into a hole and quickly shovels the dirt on top of your stunned body. And there you are. In the dark. Struggling to breathe. Struggling to find your way out. Amazingly, you do. Eventually. You come out of the dirt blackened, bloodied, and gasping for air, but alive.

I remember those days when all was dark. I remember begging God to just let me die with my son, to somehow allow me and my whole family to be with Matt. I didn't want to be separated from my son. I didn't want to live the rest of my life without my child. I remember the desperation. I remember the pain. I remember when my faith was buried deep, and I questioned everything I had ever believed about God and the Christian life. I remember how easy it was to give thanks and praise God when life was good and blessings were falling as quickly as the leaves from the trees in October.

But now? Now I know that when faith is buried deep in the dark, it is not dead. It is placed in the dark like a seed planted in the ground, waiting for the right time to sprout. I know that when everything looks dead, it is only the quiet beginnings of life. The seed of faith is a promise of a new season. Buried deep, faith has to work to reach the light. It has to be watered with the truth of God's word. It must be buried, for it is only in the dark that change and growth occur. It is only in the straining toward the light that faith's seed matures and emerges from the dark, hard soil of this earth.

Unbelievably, God does make beautiful things out of the dust. It is beyond my comprehension how he can turn something as horrific as the loss of my child into anything good, but I know that this, redeeming, is His specialty. Since the beginning of time, redemption has been His plan. He is all about creating something out of nothing. He is the ultimate Artist and Creator. (Gen. 2:7 "Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground...") He is the Master of putting broken things back together. The broken will be made beautiful. Just as a seed planted in the dark which splits wide, cracks open, grows into something with purpose, my faith has grown large. It has grown while in the dark, and I dare suspect that He is, indeed, making beautiful things out of this. This. Child loss.