God knows

This journey of child loss continues to amaze and surprise me. I never imagined meeting the many incredible moms that I have the past four years. I never thought I would see light or color again. I couldn't fathom finding joy or laughter. I didn't think it was possible to live with joy and grief simultaneously. I failed to see how God could work anything good from the death of my child.

Yet I clung to Him because He is all I had. I knew in whom I believed and was convinced of His character. (See 2 Tim. 1:12.) He is faithful, all the while knowing that I am not. I have doubted greatly along this journey. I have been angry. I have wanted to die. I have questioned everything I ever believed. I have felt hopeless, and I have experienced pain that is beyond description. I have lost friendships and family relationships. I have offended and been offended.

But God never once left me. He never once told me to just "get over it" or "move on already." He is patient. He is kind. He is merciful, loving, and forgiving. He does not turn His children away. With every doubt, angry response, and hurt I threw at Him, He beckoned me closer. He whispers His word over me, gently reminding me of His great love. He continues to speak to me intimately, knowing exactly what it is that I need to hear.

Healing from child loss is a painstakingly slow process, agonizing and exhausting. It is rebuilding the billion pieces of your life and heart that shattered the day your child died. Our lives were blown to smithereens. We don't know what we're supposed to look like, and putting those pieces back together is like diligently figuring out each piece of a difficult, seemingly impossible, jigsaw puzzle. And some pieces are simply missing from the puzzle, so we have to figure out how to complete the puzzle without those pieces. The finished result of the puzzle? We don't even know, for there's no picture to go by. But I do know this. We'll get there. We'll get there if we keep trusting Him, 

Yesterday, I spent 30 minutes watching this video: Doorways, Hallways, and Gateways. I'm not sure how others viewed it, but for me, seeing everything through the lens of grief and loss, it was a powerful reflection of the grief journey. It was God speaking truth to me through this message. Then, not more than a few minutes later, I came across this post The Ultimate Trial from Christyn Taylor's blog. God knows the fickleness of our love. Yet He remains unconditional in His. I am simply blown away with gratitude.

And some day, this jigsaw puzzle life of ours will display an amazing scene. Even we will be surprised with joy by the beauty of it. Until then, I will work on putting the pieces into place, trusting that He has the picture. And every missing piece is, and will be, filled with His presence.