Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Two and a half years

The half year mark hit me hard. As is typical of grief, it's the days and weeks ahead of "milestone" dates that are the most difficult. This was no exception. I wish I could say I handled it well, but I didn't. It's been almost two weeks of anger, yelling, and impatience. Like a wounded animal, I just want to be left alone to lick my wounds, and I snarl, snap, and bite at anyone who tries to help. It's also why grief is so very humbling - because it requires the wounded to not only reach out, but to accept help.

My best friend listened as I cried on her shoulder yesterday. She didn't try to fix me, make it better, or offer platitudes. She simply listened as I cried. She sacrificed the middle of her busy day to "sit in the dust and ashes" with me. I certainly haven't been easy to deal with, and I am so humbled by my friends and family who have stuck by me through the loss of my son, giving me grace and forgiveness, ever offering up prayers on my behalf to the Only One who can bring healing.

The closer the 2 1/2 year mark approached, the more I wanted to just leave, get away. But life doesn't stop when grief shows up, and there are still bills to pay and responsibilities to fulfill. I asked God to provide and somehow get us through the 29th. He is so good. He knows our needs even before we ask and provides in gracious and merciful ways. Quite unexpectedly, my husband received a generous gift card. It is enough for us to be able to get away for one night at a hotel...and that best friend?? She'll be spending the night with the kids at our house. I am eternally thankful. I was hanging by a thread on Tuesday. Looking forward to Thursday at the hotel is the hope I needed in order to hang on.

Another friend, a mom who joined "the group no one wants to be a part of" shortly after us, sent me the link to this song:

It couldn't have been more timely. Music is an incredible gift, even for those of us who aren't musically inclined! It's been as much a lifeline to me as the truth of God's word has been, perhaps because the lyrics of so many songs speak His truth as well.

Another recent song, new to me, is Michael W. Smith's "You Won't Let Go." Thanking God for the ministry of music and the reminders of His love and truth as we endure 2 1/2 years without Matt.

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