It's been a hard weekend. David, our exchange student, brought home an envelope from school on Friday addressed to "Seniors and Parents/Guardians of Seniors." I opened it up, glancing at the enclosed information about measuring for graduation caps and gowns, graduation photos, and yearbooks. Thus began a downward spiral for the rest of the weekend. Grief still sucks.
The reminders of what would (I want to say should) have been are far less in frequency, but just as painful as ever. I know that sleeplessness and dealing with this herniated disk/back pain only compound the emotions. In some ways I feel trapped by grief, like being stuck in the middle of an intersection. I know I have to move forward, yet I don't want to leave my son behind.
I think of him every single day, and I have recovered enough to regain routine and daily living. However, I've discovered that I only seem to do that best when I don't look at Matt's things or pictures. But what horrible, horrendous guilt I have in doing that!
Most of Matt's things are put away, but the cold weather this weekend brought out the boxes of winter clothes, which means seeing Matt's younger brother wearing his hand-me-downs. It is so very bittersweet. And while it is difficult for me to see, I know that his younger brother loves wearing Matt's stuff because it makes him feel close to his big brother. I certainly am not going to deny him that. It brings me comfort knowing that his siblings are thinking of him.
I wish there were other mothers to talk to about all this because I don't know
if what I'm feeling and thinking is normal or not. I question if maybe it's because our loss is so
fresh, and I wonder, hoping that it won't always be like this.
I am glad the weekend is over. It's time to get out of the intersection.