Some things about grief continue to surprise me. Blogging is one of them. While I love (and even long) to write, I hesitate posting. Everything unrelated to grief seems too trivial, yet I also know that life is more than death. But grief has a way of butting in, showing up uninvited into each joyful moment.
Obviously, the last few weeks have been difficult with the loss of Tim's dad, compounded with health issues and sickness, not only for me, but for the children as well. Sleep, thankfully, at least, has improved. We have, for the most part, resumed "normal" sleep patterns and habits. (The Sleep Number bed is great!) Mr. Monkey is consistently sleeping through the night finally, too. (Of course, last night would have to prove the exception to that!)
Tim and I continue to lean hard on God. We were only too happy to be back at GriefShare this week. It is such a comfort to be among those who truly understand what you're going through. One thing I've learned, however, from GriefShare is not to compare grief. Each person's grief is their own, and one is not greater or worse or less than another's. I've said this before concerning the circumstances of one's loss: "You get your heart ripped out. Either slowly, like in the situation of a loved one dying of cancer, or quickly, like in our circumstances with Matt. Either way, your heart is ripped out. One's not better than the other."
I also picked up Mary Beth Chapman's book, "Choosing to SEE" from the library. I couldn't even read the dedication without crying, nor the prologue from Beth Moore. I was struck by the following quote of Beth Moore's in the prologue: "We cannot fathom the intricacies of the divine plan. But make no mistake, when we are in the driest desert, we can receive the manna to make it all the way to the other side where trees bud again and children laugh. God sometimes delivers us from evils we never see. Other times He parts raging oceans before our very eyes. Still other times He says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you....Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west" (Isa 43:2,5).
So while grief continues to coexist with moments of joy and laughter, we continue to walk through this season of sorrow. Some days, crawling and limping, trusting in God's character and the hope of eternity. Other days, unable to walk, carried by God and the prayers of so many concerned friends and family. The days where the indescribable, debilitating pain of our loss is overwhelming are excruciating. Days that I still continue to be amazed that Tim and I are alive and survived such a blow. Yet I have a Savior. A God to turn to in those moments and others. I am greatly comforted that I am not alone. He is with me, and, though I may not understand His plan, I know that He is trustworthy and Sovereign. His banner over me is love.