Friday, October 17, 2014

Dear Matt

Wednesday night, I had the most wonderful, amazing dream. I dreamt that you had come back. I remember feeling such incredible, indescribable joy. Joy like I've never felt before. Joy that I've wondered if I would ever feel again. Joy that, for once, went as deep as my grief. You were back, and I soaked in your presence, your voice, your body, your hair, your skin. I have missed you so. I was so, so happy. I asked others in the dream, "Is this for real or am I dreaming?" Because I knew if it was a dream, I didn't ever want to wake up. I went searching for a camera because I wanted to take as many family pictures as we could. I watched you playing with your little brothers and thought, "Yes. This is what is supposed to be. Finally. I have missed seeing this so much." The feeling of joy was just so overwhelming, so bone-deep! Every fiber of my being felt joy.

I could sense the rise to consciousness, however, as daylight began to stream through the windows, and I knew that it had all been a dream. I didn't want to leave it or lose that feeling of immense joy. I fought against waking, but it was useless. I could feel sadness trying to creep in, but then I wondered, "Was this the same feeling of joy that we'll experience in heaven? Is this what it will to feel like to be reunited, both with Christ and with you?" How could I be sad when I have this kind of joy to look forward to? I miss you every day, Matt. I love you. Love, Mom

I believe the LORD gave me this dream because I have wondered for so long if I would ever have joy as deep as the grief I have felt. The answer is yes. It may not be here on this earth, but it is a surety. Because of this surety, I can face today...and tomorrow. I can face this life without my son because God has promised me eternal joy. Joy without sorrow, joy without sin, joy without separation.

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