Matt's sister got her permit on Monday. Honestly, I'm having a hard time with it. I knew it was going to be difficult when it came time to doing some of the same things with Matt's sister that I did with him, but reality hit me harder than I had anticipated. First of all, being at the DMV again was painful. I couldn't help but remember being there with Matt, getting his permit and license.
Second, they have signs posted all over the walls containing driving and crash statistics. Obviously, I know these are good and necessary things, but knowing my16yo. child died in a car accident, I really don't want to think about the fact that getting in a crash at 60mph is the same as falling from a 25 story building. (Just one of the signs posted.) My son, who was wearing a seat belt, was thrown from the vehicle at 55mph. Really, I don't need to go there again by reading signs at the DMV. Needless to say, I had a difficult time while waiting for his sister to finish her test.
Lastly, the joy, excitement, and proud mama moment that I should have for her getting her permit doesn't exist. And that makes me angry. Grief steals so much more than your loved one. I know, too, that his sister doesn't have the same level of excitement, either, in getting her permit that her peers had in getting theirs. It sucks. It really, really sucks.
It is in these circumstances that my faith is urged into action. I vacillate frequently between faith and fear. I cannot, however, allow fear to rule my decisions. Fear cannot be the motivating force behind them; faith must be. Faith is not stagnant. It cannot be. At some point, action is required. The saying, "Put your money where your mouth is" holds true for faith, as well. The incredible thing is this: God's got us. He knows our fears. He knows our weaknesses. He knows that our faith is tried. How I needed this reminder from Jennifer Dukes Lee that God's got it, not just this week, but every day, for every thing.