Dear Matt,

Your birthday is in just three weeks. You'd be 19yrs old. (Oh, how I want so desperately to say instead, "you'll be...") I've now missed three years of your life, three birthdays. My heart hurts so badly, the ache so intense. As is the way of grief, the anticipation of these "special" days stirs up the ashes of my sorrow, blowing upon the embers and causing them to reignite. Again, I just want to go away until it's over. *sigh* I hate grief. I hate death.

If it were not for God and His word, I would certainly despair. He has been good to me. I have much to be thankful for. I have much to live for. I have much to look forward to.

Psalm 119:89-94

Forever, O Lord,
Your word is settled in heaven. 

Your faithfulness continues throughout all generations;
You established the earth, and it stands. 

They stand this day according to Your ordinances, 

For all things are Your servants. 

If Your law had not been my delight,
Then I would have perished in my affliction. 

I will never forget Your precepts,
For by them You have revived me. 

I am Yours, save me;
For I have sought Your precepts.

I am so thankful for the promises of God, for His comfort, and for the hope that He gives. He continues to surround me with His love and truth. Of all things, Kay Arthur (on the video at my Precepts Bible study on the book of John this week) made a statement that really struck home. She said, "There is no choice; the wound must heal." I don't recall how it related to the study at all, but it really ministered to me. Only when I allow the Great Physician to work on my wound will healing happen. He is the healer. I must allow Him to do His work. I have to trust Him that He knows what He's doing, that His plan is best. 

I miss you, son. I miss your voice and the way you sauntered into a room. I miss cutting your hair. I miss seeing you with your friends. I miss your genius at the computer. I miss seeing you at the dinner table. I miss your quiet presence. For every "miss," however, I remind myself that God says it will be worth it, that there will be an eternal glory that far outweighs this excruciating, temporary separation. (2 Cor.4:17) I love you, Matt. 

Love, Mom