23 months

Dear Matt,
With each passing month, I wonder. I wonder, "Will it get any easier?" "Do I want it to get any easier?" "What does moving forward look like in five years?" "Will this bone-marrow-deep sorrow ever be any less?" "Does joy really exist? A joy as deep as the grief?" "Is God's word really true?" I don't have the answers, and my faith is sore. I still wake every morning thinking, "This can't be real. How can you really be gone?" I can't believe I've gone 23 months without seeing your face, without hearing your voice, without watching you lope nightly into the kitchen at 10:30pm, opening the cupboard door for your bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. I miss cutting your hair. I miss seeing you play with your little brothers. I miss seeing you hanging out with Josh and Luke. I miss your strong, quiet presence. I wanted so badly to send out graduation announcements and host a graduation party. But it wasn't meant to be. God had different plans. So very different.

Instead of collecting graduation gifts, we are collecting memorial donations. Instead of touring colleges with you, I am touring them with David. Bittersweet doesn't begin to describe these feelings. Yet I am deeply, deeply grateful for David, for the person he is, for the experiences we have with him. He is a gift, as you were.

But there are times along this grief journey that I simply can't walk anymore. My legs fail me. My spirit lies crumpled in the dark. My soul cries out. I know God is there, though I don't see Him in these dark moments. I know these are the times when my Heavenly Father gently picks me up in His arms and carries me. He reminds me of His unfailing love and faithfulness. 

O how He loves you and me

O how He loves you and me
O how He loves you and me
He gave His life, what more could He give? 

O how He loves you
O how He loves me
O how He loves you and me 

Jesus to Calvary did go
His love for mankind to show
What He did there brought hope from despair

Author: Kurt Kaiser

Lyrics are copyrights:
? 1975 Word Music, LLC (a div. of Word Music Group, Inc.) - CCLI 15850 

All the Way My Savior Leads Me

All the way my Savior leads me;
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me,
Cheers each winding path I tread;
Gives me grace for every trial,
Feeds me with the living Bread.
Though my weary steps may falter,
And my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see;
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see.

All the way my Savior leads me
O the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages—
Jesus led me all the way;
This my song through endless ages—
Jesus led me all the way.

Words: Fanny Crosby

Psalm 61

1Hear my cry, O God;

listen to my prayer.

2From the ends of the earth I call to you,

I call as my heart grows faint;

lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

3For you have been my refuge,

a strong tower against the foe.

 Isaiah 41:10

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; 

for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; 

yea, I will help thee; yea, 

I will uphold thee with the right hand 

of my righteousness."

Isaiah 51:12a

"I, even I, am he that comforteth you." 

I called out to Him, and He heard my cry. The next morning my inbox was filled with the following devotional, Striving Where He is Sovereign, by James MacDonald. Oh, to rest in Him. To be loved by Him. To be humbled by Him. He is my Abba Father who loves me with an everlasting love.