Thursday would be your 18th birthday. I just can't go there. I can't wonder about what kind of cake I would have made, or what your Dad and I would have gotten you for an 18th birthday gift. I can't wonder if we would have gotten a big smile, for once, out of you. I can't wonder how big you'd be or how much you've grown. I can't wonder what kind of Dollar Store gifts you're siblings would have gotten you. I can't wonder if you'd be going to the prom this Saturday or who you'd be taking to it. I can't wonder how your high school graduation invitations would look with your name on them. I can't wonder what it would have been like to fill out college applications with you.
I can't wonder, because you're not here. You are gone this side of Heaven. My heart hurts beyond words and, honestly, all I want to do is crawl into bed and not wake up until next week. I want to skip May 2nd. I don't want to put on a happy face or pretend I'm fine. I want to weep, wail, and flail my fists on God's chest. I want relief from this never-ending grief. Yesterday was 21 months since I last saw you, and eternity seems so far away.
But God. God keeps whispering to me, "My grace is sufficient." "Hold on to Me." "I am faithful and true."
"...Do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised."
Busted Heart by For King and Country
I love you, Son.