Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A new year

Starting off a new year was much more difficult than I had anticipated. I really struggled with leaving 2011 behind. I felt like I was leaving Matt behind. It hurt so terribly thinking about a new year. And, of course, the whole world (or so it seemed) was only too happy, almost giddy, in fact, to bring in a new one. I wasn't happy, and I wasn't looking forward to a new one.

Dh and I kept going back and forth about our plans for New Year's Eve, too. Our family has traditionally hosted a New Year's Eve party at our house. This year, obviously, we weren't up to it. However, we didn't want to disappoint the rest of the kids, so we switched it up and ended up having a New Year's Eve Game Night at church. It was fun, though, to be sure, there were moments of grief. My heart hurt terribly when I saw Matt's best friends together, going off without him to play his favorite game, Halo. I certainly don't begrudge them their friendship or fun. It just hurts. It is what it is. *sigh* I am trying to remind myself in moments like those that Matt IS alive. He is alive in heaven. The hope of eternity for myself and trusting in God's character are what hold me firm.

It was a fun evening of games with a good turnout. The weather got a tad crazy even, and we ended up with a bit of everything; rain, thunder, lightening, and snow! The kids had a blast, however, throwing snowballs and then vowing to go back outside at exactly midnight, which they did.

We also took a difficult step and had our pictures taken. Dh and I couldn't bear to do a whole family photo, but we did individual pictures of the children as well as individual poses with each parent. We made it through and we got the proofs today. They turned out excellent, and I now know why we paid through the nose for them! :)

It's been a very emotional few days, but God has reminded me of many things. He continues to comfort us and speak His truths in our hearts. I am surviving...and trusting God to give me strength for the days (and year) to come.

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