When you see it coming

I was going to title this post, "Avoiding the unavoidable," but it's not possible. There are things along the grief journey that one simply can't avoid no matter how hard one tries to step around it, over it, or under it. Deny it all one wants, it doesn't go away, it's not a mirage. Denial.doesn't.work.

Matt's "would-be" graduation is one of them. I can't deny it. Oh, I could try. It would be easier, yes, if David were not here. But David is here (our Brazilian exchange student), and he is participating in the graduation ceremony. I want so much to just run away, to bury my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist. I'd like to crawl into bed and not wake up until next week. But I can't. It seems as if the only choice I have in this "fight or flight" situation is "fight." Only I'm feeling like dust, no strength, no form. I feel trampled and left for dead.

Thankfully, however, I know better by now that my strength comes from the LORD. I know that in those moments when I am overcome by grief, I can turn to my Heavenly Father. He is where I pour out my heart, my fears, and my pain. He is the one who listens and hears my cries. He knows my pain, and he provides the way of comfort. He has given me precious friends who continue to pray for me and my family. He gives me daily joys and reminds me of His abundant blessings.

As sorrowful as this week is, it is also joyful. My family and I are incredibly blessed and humbled to have David with us. David is a blessing. He is not a replacement for Matt. (No one, and no thing, can replace a loved one. Each person is an individual, unique, treasured gift from God.)

I have had to be purposeful in looking for the joy that God has given. It is a choice. I can deny the gifts God gives, choosing not to see them, choosing not to be thankful, or I can give my hurting heart to God, where He safely and tenderly holds it, understanding how fragile it is. It isn't easy, but there comes a time when one must let the Great Physician do His work. Only He can remove the gangrene grief cultivates.

The journey of grief continues, but I am never alone. My God is with me. He sees the beginning from the end. Facing the "should have's," like graduation, is only possible because of the GRACE God gives. This week, and especially tomorrow, is bittersweet. But I am sucking in every breath my Heavenly Father exhales as His holds me in His arms, my head resting on my Daddy's chest. Not for a moment have I been forsaken.

Not For A Moment
Meredith Andrews

You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me

Chorus:

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me

Chorus:

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my heart at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all

Chorus:

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

I didn't see that one coming

Got knocked over by a wave of grief last week. Wasn't pretty. I was just standing there looking at the beautiful sky one instant and the next I'm picking myself up, coughing and spitting out sea water. This grief thing still sucks. It may be easier to function and carry on with routine, but an undercurrent can pull your feet out from under you without warning at any given second. There is simply no rhyme or reason and no preparing for those moments.

David, our exchange student, came home from school last week and announced that he would like to go through the graduation ceremony for the seniors. Wham. Tidal wave. Woman down.

While he doesn't officially get a diploma from the high school, he can participate in the ceremony, order a cap and gown, and buy a class ring if he so desires. I got the wind knocked right out of me. I so didn't see that one coming. We had been told before even getting the approval to host an exchange student that they wouldn't be allowed to graduate here in the U.S., so it never occured to us that he would want to participate.

And now I am utterly torn. One part of me can't fathom going through the whole graduation thing because it's supposed to be my son doing all these things this year. It's supposed to be Matt. But it's not. And it never will be. It's the ugly, horrible reality. Another part of me, however, can't imagine not being there for David. He has become like a son to us in just these few short weeks. I don't want him to be all alone as he experiences the thrill of such a memorable American custom. I want to be there for him, to show him our support and share in his excitement. Oh, God, how do I do this? How do I get through this?

I think I know the answer, though. It's by leaning hard on God, doing the tough things, but always, always remembering that this world is not our home. This is not where we belong. And most importantly, remembering that my son IS alive. He is alive in Heaven where, someday, we will be reunited.  

“Everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Martha, do you believe this?” 
(John 11:26)

I am, in many ways, much like Martha. Always doing, always thinking that the things of this world are so important. Always looking at what others are or aren't doing. But the truth is, staying focused on Jesus is really the only way I'm ever going to get through this. It's the only way I will find the perseverence, the strength, and the faith to continue until I am finally home. Home in Heaven where God intended all along. Home where His plan is finally fulfilled, completed and perfect.