Seeing the tide come in

The closer it gets to Matt's birthday, the higher the grief waters rise. Grief has two M.O.'s, ambush or rising tide. Both devastate. Both suck. Both leave one gasping for air.

I am struggling to keep my footing amid the rising waters. Thankfully, I've learned what works for me, and that's worship and praise music. The truthful lyrics are my life jacket to the swirling, rising waters around me. I must put the music on. Absolutely must. If I don't, my mind immediately goes to where it shouldn't; the accident, the what-ifs, the if-onlys. It ends up becoming all about me, all about my loss. Yet Christ calls us to be mindful of Him. We are, as His children, called to remember what He has done for us. When I turn my thoughts instead to what He has done for me and to who He is, then the tide waters recede and are kept in check.

I will not get through this valley of grief by myself. Neither does anyone else. They are lying to themselves if they think otherwise. There is a helper. It is the LORD GOD Himself, through the person of Jesus Christ who is "the way, the truth, and the life." Do you have the Truth?


Are You Talking to Yourself
 Thursday, April 25

Our Journey - James MacDonald

Are You Talking To Yourself

Hayden Norris

⁵Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation ⁶and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and Hermon, from Mount Mizar. —Psalm 42:5-6

D. Martyn Lloyd Jones said:

“The main trouble in this whole matter of spiritual depression in a sense is this, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self. Am I just trying to be deliberately paradoxical? Far from it. This is the very essence of wisdom in this matter.

Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?”

He is correct. Talking to yourself and not the other way around is what the psalmist is advocating. When we start listening to what our heart says, we will find ourselves cast down and in turmoil. That thinking leads to dismay, discouragement, and doubt.

We must tell ourselves to place our hope in God and not in the things of this world, or in the circumstances of life. Often, we use the word hope but the type of hope we are accustomed to is not biblical hope. Biblical hope is not a fleeting hope (I hope the Cubs win the World Series), or a wishing hope (I hope I get the new job), but a fixed hope, a certain hope. When we hope in God, our hope is certain because of who God is. He cannot lie. He does not abandon His children. He always does what is best. We don’t hope in financial success, family success, anyone or anything but God because He alone is our salvation and God.

Here are some practical ways to talk to ourselves throughout the week:

1.)   Re-read sermon notes from church, and work on one point of application.

2.)   Make sticky notes with Psalm 42:5–6 and post them everywhere as a way of remembering this truth.

3.)   Spend time in the Word every day. How can we tell ourselves who God is if we don’t know how He describes Himself?

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, (because I am listening to myself), and why are you in turmoil within me? (because I am believing lies), Hope in God; (that is what I am supposed to do, why?), for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” Because He is the only One who is always faithful and the One who is worthy of my steadfast hope.

Journal

• What are the situations/sin issues plaguing me right now?


• What is the truth I should tell myself about these issues? 

Pray

Father, I thank You for Your patience with me. I so easily close my ears to Your voice and listen to the voice of my circumstances, others who are not your children, and the voice of the Accuser. When I do this I put my soul in turmoil. Help me to speak truth to myself daily. From the moment I wake to the moment I lay my head down to rest, may I place all of my hope in You alone.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen


 

Grief is a bully

Grief is a bully. He strides in inconspicuously without warning and knocks you over before you know what hit you. He walks with purpose and strength. His one, sole aim is to knock you over, unawares. And he is effective. Oh, so effective. How do you fight an enemy that has perfected the art of ambush? I still don't know. But I am learning to get back up, little by little. And though my attempts are feeble, I know that each time I do, I will get stronger and better at it. To be honest, however, there are times I don't feel like getting back up. Sometimes I'd like to just lie there in defeat. Yet I know that's not what God wants. He doesn't want me to give in to the enemy or allow him a foothold. Yet He also knows I'm not strong enough to fight on my own. He is there waiting for me to take hold of His outstretched hand, to pull me up, where I can stand firm beside Him in His strength.

Not surprisingly, today was tough. The roller coaster of emotions has left me physically and mentally exhausted. After grief has knocked you down, he proceeds to kick you. He is a master at implanting envy and doubt with each stamp of his foot. He taunts viciously, "See all those pictures of everyone else's family? Their families are whole." And you can't argue with him because it's the truth. There is no empty chair at their table, and you can't deny the glaring, barren spot at yours, no matter how hard you try. No amount of wishing or attempts at filling the chair with another body replaces the one who is gone.

Grief continues his assault, spewing hateful things in your ear, planting seeds of doubt. Things like, "So where is God? Where is this Jesus that you are hoping in? He hasn't returned. It's been centuries. You're still waiting, and you're still suffering. Are you really sure Heaven's real? Where's the proof?"

I tried to ignore the enemies lies and taunts, yet hearing Grief's whispers made my heart ache. My son is gone. There is no celebrating the holidays with him. I realized I wasn't escaping the ambush. I've learned enough the past 16 months to know that when I'm pinned, I'm pinned. I cried, "Uncle" and went to my bedroom to cry. After about 10 or 15 minutes, however, the incessant banging by our three year old on the door coerced me into getting up. It was a good thing, anyway, as company was due to arrive within the half hour, and I still had a lot of meal preparation to do.

I realized I needed some praise and worship music to help deflect the blows of bully Grief. Christian music is a powerful thing, enabling the truth to speak quietly into a hurting heart. The lyrics lifted my eyes back to the Author of life, the giver of all good things. And as our company arrived, I was reminded that we are not alone, that the troubles of this life are only overcome through faith and trust in Christ.

God's grace is sufficient and got us through the day. However, the reality is, as author Isabel Fleece said, "...grace is not an anesthetic."(Not By Accident) The LORD uses the painful things of our lives to turn us toward Him, to remind us that we need Him. It seems to make no sense, but after all, I am the created, not the Creator. Then just when I needed it tonight, God spoke to me about today. I cried once again reading the homeschool devotional in my email inbox, and though today's struggle didn't have to do with homeschooling, the LORD had a message for me.

Daily Focus - A Christmas Love Letter

I see you sitting there tired, worn out, and empty. Another year of homeschooling has used you up. You feel helpless like a baby. That's OK. I know all about being a baby. I was born one for you many years ago. I know the ache you feel to be held and loved, and that is why I came. I knew you would be sitting there in the future, praying and asking me to hold you, and I am, dear one. Let me give you a special Christmas gift of love as I breathe new life into the center of your soul.

Do you know that I think of you every moment of every day? I watch you patiently homeschool the children I gave you, and I know how badly you feel when you fail and lose your temper. I forgive you, my child, just as you forgive your children when they make a mistake. "It's OK. We'll try again," you say to them, and I'm telling you the same thing. I'm so proud of you and how you've followed me when I asked you to teach your children about me at home. Your sacrifice says that you love me. I know all about that, too. I left everything that was mine when I came from heaven. I know how you feel when the Father asks so much of you.

Look at me, my child. You may feel beat up, but do you know that you are still beautiful? I see that smile. Yes, you're still as beautiful as the day I created you. I love who you are, and I'm whispering your name. Can you hear me? Remember, my child, this is not your home. You really belong here with me in heaven, but I want you where you are now to love this family I gave you. Don't give up. I want you to trust me. I won't let you down. Every promise I've made is true, and someday, I'm coming back for you. For now, rest in my love, and tonight and even tomorrow when you wake up, I'll be here watching over you. I love you. Merry Christmas.

"Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession. For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities" (Hebrews 4:14-15a).

Jesus, thank You for the best Christmas gift I could ever receive, Your forgiveness and love. My heart sings with praise to You for understanding my every need. I love You, Jesus, and offer You my life again to use however You choose. In Your name I pray, Amen.

God sent His son at Christmas to save us, to redeem all that was lost; His Creation, the world, and everything in it. A day today filled with grief, yes, but still a blessed Christmas.


Toby Mac - Get Back Up

 

The every day things

I think many people believe the "special" days are the hardest for those who grieve, the anniversaries, birth dates, holidays, etc. And while they most assuredly are difficult, it's the things in the normal, every day life that grief affects the most. As I worked around the house today doing chores and writing out bills, it was the setting of the table, the sorting of the laundry, and the planning of the menu that consistently reminded me that Matt is gone. The waves of grief have changed their tsunami-style approach to smaller, incessant rolling waves, the kind that eventually wear rock down or carve channels through the landscape. Though maybe not as initially destructive, they are just as powerful.

There are so many routine things that have changed since Matt died. I no longer fill out the entire 12 month calendar with each kids' week of dish duty. I don't assign chores in order from oldest to youngest like I used to. I don't use being too tired as an excuse anymore not to tuck them in at night, because I now know the reality that it may possibly be the last. I struggle with how to say certain things now. Things like when I'm referring to the kids, from the second-born to the fifth-born. I cannot say, "the oldest four", because it's NOT my oldest four. So how do I refer to them? I typically just say each of their names even though it takes longer. *sigh*

The past month has been incredibly difficult. I think because I've been fighting with God. Wrestling with Him because I do NOT want the death of my child, my teenager, to be a part of my story. I don't. Yet it's rather stupid, isn't it? Because I also fully know/understand that there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I can't change it. I can't make it go away. All I can do is cling to God. Cling to Him daily and trust that some day, it will be alright.

Streams in the Desert (devotional in part)
May 28
Cling to God in Faith
"I will not let thee go, except thou bless me ... and he blessed him there." (Gen. 32:26, 29).

Jacob got the victory and the blessing not by wrestling, but by clinging. His limb was out of joint and he could struggle no longer, but he would not let go. Unable to wrestle, he wound his arms around the neck of his mysterious antagonist and hung all his helpless weight upon him, until at last he conquered.

We will not get victory in prayer until we too cease our struggling, giving up our own will and throw our arms about our Father's neck in clinging faith.

What can puny human strength take by force out of the hand of Omnipotence? Can we wrest blessing by force from God? It is never the violence of wilfulness that prevails with God. It is the might of clinging faith, that gets the blessing and the victories. It is not when we press and urge our own will, but when humility and trust unite in saying, "Not my will, but Thine." We are strong with God only in the degree that self is conquered and is dead. Not by wrestling, but by clinging can we get the blessing. --J. R. Miller

 

Oh, God, You're so funny

So I cried out to the LORD yesterday and what do I find this morning? A blog post on my Google Reader from a gal whose blog I follow titled, "Sinking, Sinking, Saved!"


I know it's also no coincidence that I've now heard the verses "Be still and know that I am God" and "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You" several times in the past two days.

I also came across Kay Arthur's book When the Hurt Runs Deep. It looks like it would be a good read and it's only $10, but I really wanted it in Kindle edition, but it costs about $2 more!!! Argh. I also saw it for only $6 in the used section, but again, I wanted an e-version. :( Guess I will keep checking our library. ;)

On another note, Dh and I ordered the stone bench last night for the "memorial mound" we have in the front yard in honor of Matt's memory. So very tough. People only order benches because they've lost a loved one. And that is what sucks. Anyway - it will be beautiful. Gray stone, semi-circular, beveled edges, and with the inscription, "LORD, You Never Let Go." We will hopefully have it before July 29. 

Lastly, we'll be packing tomorrow for a trip to Grandma's this weekend. (I really want to say "and Grandpa's.) *sigh* Missing Grandpa, too. Looking VERY forward to getting away. Love visiting the farm. Love not having any "responsibilities" for a few days. It's a chance for me to think without the usual daily distractions. I am planning on *hopefully!* finishing the rest of the condolence Thank You cards...and if I have any time left after that, I need to start work on school planning for next year. I sure hope my expectations aren't too high!!!

This! Exactly.

STREAMS IN THE DESERT (Devotion from May 10)(Bolded mine)

Lie Still and Trust

"I had fainted unless...!"(Ps. 27:13)

"FAINT NOT!"

How great is the temptation at this point! How the soul sinks, the heart grows sick, and the faith staggers under the keen trials and testings which come into our lives in times of special bereavement and suffering.

"I cannot bear up any longer, I am fainting under this providence. What shall I do? God tells me not to faint. But what can one do when he is fainting?"

What do you do when you are about to faint physically? You cannot do anything. You cease from your own doings. In your faintness, you fall upon the shoulder of some strong loved one. You lean hard. You rest. You lie still and trust.

It is so when we are tempted to faint under affliction. God's message to us is not, "Be strong and of good courage," for He knows our strength and courage have fled away. But it is that sweet word, "Be still, and know that I am God."

Hudson Taylor was so feeble in the closing months of his life that he wrote a dear friend: "I am so weak I cannot write; I cannot read my Bible; I cannot even pray. I can only lie still in God's arms like a little child, and trust."

This wondrous man of God with all his spiritual power came to a place of physical suffering and weakness where he could only lie still and trust.

And that is all God asks of you, His dear child, when you grow faint in the fierce fires of affliction. Do not try to be strong. Just be still and know that He is God, and will sustain you, and bring you through.

"God keeps His choicest cordials for our deepest faintings."

"Stay firm and let thine heart take courage" (Psa. 27:14, --After Osterwald).

Stay firm, He has not failed thee
In all the past,
And will He go and leave thee
To sink at last?
Nay, He said He will hide thee
Beneath His wing;
And sweetly there in safety
Thou mayest sing.
Selected

The truth

Got this powerful devotion today in an email forwarded by a friend. It's from the Yahoo group "Christian Fellowship Devotions."
Originally Published 2004-04-08 KEEP THEM

 John 17:11b Holy Father, keep them in Thy name, the name which Thou hast given Me, that they may be one, even as We are. (NAS) It is the night prior to Jesus' crucifixion. Jesus is facing a mockery of justice at an illegal trial, a beating that killed most men who suffered it, the humiliation and abuse of the Way of the Cross, and an ignominious death between two thieves. I am struck by two things: where His thoughts are and who those thoughts are focused upon.

 His thoughts are not of His pending trials or even of a road of escape. His escape is through the cross. Jesus eventually pleads with the Father that if there is another way that Jesus could take that alternate route. But He submits to the will of the Father and agrees that there is no other way to save mankind. But at this moment in time, the Master's thoughts are focused right here and right now. They are in the moment. He is taking care of the matters at hand, knowing that these other issues will come each to Him in the time prepared for that trial. Jesus is trusting the Father, even now, to keep this time to finish preparing the twelve disciples for what is about to come.

And Jesus' thoughts are on His disciples. Judas has left to betray the Lord. But even Judas is not out of Jesus' thoughts. As Jesus prays with the Father, the eleven are counted safe and the Son of Perdition is counted as lost to fulfill the scriptures. Jesus knows His time is very short. He turns His friends over to the Father asking, "... keep them in Thy name ...". His thoughts are for their well-being physically, emotionally and spiritually. They are all about to undergo the most severe trials of their lives. Their faith is about to be completely shattered at the death of the One they are rightly sure is the Christ, the Messiah. They have been told a number of times that death will not hold Him, but they can not understand. After three horrible days of doubt and despair, their faith will be rebuilt and restored. So for this moment, prepared in eternity past, Jesus prays for them. Not that the trials will pass them by. They are part of the plan as well. They have a purpose in shaping them for the job ahead. Jesus simply prays that they be kept secure and together during these trials.

Our ways are not His ways. That would be an understatement of epoch proportions. I'm sure my voice would have been with Peter when he said to Jesus far be it from Him to go to Jerusalem and be slain for the sins of the world. I'm willing to say that I would have been right there backing Peter, and waiting for Jesus to throw off the Roman yoke of oppression when Jesus' aim was far higher. Jesus' purpose for coming was to crush the power of sin and death, and to open the way to Heaven again so that we could live forever with God in fellowship. When God doesn't make sense just hold on tight. Know you are in good company with the eleven. In His time and in His mighty purpose, the Father is keeping you safe as he works out His plan.