July number four

Wednesday

As I write this, it's July 1st. I don't even have words to describe what July means to me. I hate July. I hate that it will forever be the month that my son died. And yet, this month I am thankful I am not where I was almost four years ago. This year, I am no longer in a grief fog. This year, I can smile and find joy. This year, I will make beautiful memories despite grief.

This weekend we will celebrate the 4th of July holiday as we always do, in our usual spot, our favorite spot. It will have it's moments of sadness, to be sure, but this year I will recognize the joyful moments as well. I will fight for joy, and I will miss my son. I will cherish what I have, and I will grieve what I don't. And that is o.k. because I have learned that neither joy nor grief is exclusive. Jesus said, "...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!.." (John 16:33)

Jesus lived with sorrow, and He lived with joy. He knew what it was to suffer, and He knew what it was to rejoice. More and more, I think about how incredible it was for Christ to leave perfection, to voluntarily inhabit an earthly body with all it's limitations and finiteness, and to live on earth with sin and brokenness. He didn't have to do that, yet He chose to so that we could ultimately be coheirs with Him. It just stuns me. When my grief overwhelms, there is great comfort when I remember His sacrifice.


Monday, July 6th


God knows how much this month makes me feel broken, busted wide open again. And, try as I might to find joy like Ann Voskamp entreats, I am bruised and sore. The child loss scar throbs and rubs raw this month. Yet I grasp for the one thing that sustains me: the truth of God's word. And how beautiful it is when played on repeat with the music of MercyMe (Flawless), Colton Dixon (Through All Of It), and Morgan Harper Nichols (Storyteller). The strains of the music are like salve on the wound. I keep applying their lyrics and they keep my heart still, my spirit from being troubled. I am humbled at how God ministers to and comforts His children. When I think I can no longer bear the sorrow, His grace pours over me.

This month, as I am reminded daily of God's grace, I am compelled to make July overflow with joy. Grief is a given. It doesn't take any effort to experience it. But joy? Joy is a choice. Joy is hard won. Joy steps over grief and plants her feet firmly in the dust. She doesn't wait for permission. She doesn't wait to "feel" it. Joy believes God's word even if it doesn't make sense because she trusts in Him.
 
I want to choose joy and, while joy is a choice, it's not easy. Choosing joy sometimes takes all the strength I have. But it's always the right choice. I rarely (if ever) look at photos of Matt because it's just too painful. But I decided I would try to "redeem" this month by posting photos of Matt daily on my Facebook wall. I'll be honest and admit that it's tough. Really tough. Going through photos daily is emotionally draining. I'm struggling with falling into that grief pit.  Yet I am encouraged by the joy it brings to those who see the pictures. I had forgotten how much Matthew smiled. (Not that he wasn't happy when he was a teenager, but there's a reason he had the nickname "Mr. Stoic.") ;)

As I try to redeem this month of grief, I hope to grow in grace and joy. (Do you sense a recurring theme?) I hope that instead of seeing what I have lost, I will instead see how much I have gained. My God is great. He is my Redeemer, my healer, my comforter, and my hope. He is good...no matter what.

God's Grace

We stayed home this year for the 4th of July. Neither Dh nor I could face our usual tradition of the 4th in ND. So hard to believe that at this time last year, our son was alive. So we decided to stay home this year. The other kids were sorely disappointed, but we endeavored to make other plans. We had dear friends over and enjoyed shooting off our own fireworks until 10pm. Then Dh and the kids drove a little ways down the road to see our city's fireworks show.

I, believe it or not, was thankful to be sick. Yes. Several of the children and I ended up with variations of some sort of virus. Miss T.T. had thrown up all night a few nights ago while Dh had a queasy stomach with a huge headache. Tuesday night found Drama boy puking at 9pm throughout the rest of the night, followed by Army boy at 4:30am. Then myself and Sweet Stuff woke to queasy tummies and headaches yesterday. Thankfully, it was short-lived. But long enough to put me out of commission all day yesterday. For which, as I said earlier, I was actually very thankful for!

It may sound rather strange, but I feel it was God's grace. His grace to keep me from being pulled out to sea, engulfed and sucked under by waves of grief. I didn't want to drown in the memories from last year, and being sick pretty much took care of that. Call me weird, but it was a much welcome relief to have my mind distracted with being ill. Honestly, I am so glad I was sick. And even more thankful I'm feeling better this morning. ;)

I've also seen God's grace at work on my sciatic nerve. I've had four rounds of acupuncture, a couple chiropractic adjustments, and a massage. After the third acupuncture session, I noticed my toes no longer tingled and my calf no longer felt like the muscle was torn. I could walk without limping for the first time in many weeks. I'd say my pain level is definitely 50-65% less! Thankful for the grace given!